Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   "I'll make delicious food and you will eat it and then I will give you grief for getting fat and how you will die alone" - Mom

   The most humbling, terrifying, self-reflective moment in a man's life is when he realizes his beautiful daughter is attached to a v@gina.

   What's that word to describe the aching sadness of missing someone you've never met? Oh yeah, INSANITY.

   You call it an invitation to your wedding. I call it an invitation to free food and alcohol.

   I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.

   Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   Relax. You’re not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; we’re boozers, boozers go to parties.

   Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.

   If you are going to stalk me, at least be cute.

   I learned from the breast. I mean best. I learned from the best.

   You don't have to fight over who sleeps in the wet spot if one of you is smart enough to flip the mattress over.

   All fun things are taxed... and there is even a tax on sex... it's called children.

   I hate when girls start fights over stupid shi t like whether or not the kid is mine.

   Stop slapping my ass, said no woman ever.

   If the 'D' stands for death, then yes, my Wife REALLY wants my 'D'.

   (Q): What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. (A): Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.

   What I have survived could kill 99% of you.

   Let's get drunk and cuddle, coz I want to cuddle your brains out tonight.

   Go home feelings, you're drunk

   "We need to talk" - Your Finances