Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's all hear Donald Trump's rendition to Adele's hit song "Hello".

   An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder. This figure translates to 57.7 million people. When they count Hillary's votes and they total 57.7 million don't say that I didn't call that...

   Where was this Mitt Romney during the last general election? Had he been like this he would be running for re-election this time

   I never want to go bungie jumping. Broken rubber brought me into this world, and I don't want to give it a chance to take me out.

   You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.

   Bernie Sanders got so excited about the hashtag #BoobsForBernie, it's actually a photo of a breastfeeding mother at one of his rallies. Not a Girls Gone Wild Spring Break edition video.

   First rule of Cuddle Club: It better lead to rough sex or you're out of the cuddle club.

   Like an old wise man once said, Be like a duck, calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath....

   Think I will get a night job being a cuddler. After 8 hrs the $ex is free. . .

   Only if some people knew how silly, stupid and ridiculous they look while holding a selfie stick...

   "PROVE IT!!" I yell from the back of the church.

   Trump, Cruz, and Rubio are the champions of unintelligable yelling. Sixth graders can debate better than these three clowns.

   "Like" this if you know someone who is alive today because you are just too darn lazy to kill them....

   Ben Carson endorses Donald Trump after receiving a sign from God. This election year is a gift horse that keeps on giving.

   I always text "I'm on my way", as I'm still naked in bed.

   How To Drink A Perfect Martini: 1) Pour gin, vermouth, and olives into....the trash where they belong. 2) Drink whiskey.

   The fact that the praying hands are in the top emoji's pretty sums up everyone's 2016 so far.

   I'll never understand why cartoon pictures of the sun always depict it wearing sunglasses. What exactly would it be protecting its eyes from?

   "Your word is 'ouija'" -could you use that in a seance?

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will track you down and you will pay. You have my Word.