Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???

   Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.

   Don't worry Ted, if the whole Presidency thing doesn't work for you perhaps you should try to become the Prime Minister of Canada.

   I wanted to touch you, taste your sweetness with soft aromas beckoning me - it was just the beginning of our tragic love story. *pastries

   (Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"

   Grindr had a worldwide outage this weekend, is it too late to stock up on apocalypse survival supplies?

   I had the scariest dream last night...Donald Trump's running mate was Rosie O'Donnell!!!

   If there's a woman out there who wants to $exually harass me, let me know.. I will message you my cell # . . .

   I have to be successful because I have very expensive taste.

   i am taking the pit bull and the points in the puppy bowl

   Old man Bernie Sanders looks like that guy down the block driving around luring kids in with promises of free candy...

   You ever in the mood to get hit by a car and spend 1 month in the hospital.

   I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.

   Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!

   It was the home of Buffalo Bill in "The Silence Of The Lambs." Now, nobody wants to live there. Heck, I wonder why....

   Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.

   Bears: If people can read my thoughts, most people would think I'm the most evil person on this planet.