Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It puts the lotion on its skin,, or it gets the eczema again.

   I love your warm body. I love the way you smell, taste. The way you wake me up inside. Coffee

   So do caterpillars know that they're going to become butterflies or do they just start building a cocoon and be like "WTF am I doing?"

   Will Bernie Sanders still be alive at election time? Will Hillary get more Navy Seals killed and ignore the facts? Times up in 10 months Obama!!

   Please watch for black the black ice #blackicematters

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it hit the bottom of his throat. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.

   Somtimes I get the feeling that maybe the love of my life got stuck up in a Condom

   [dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....

   MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   Good cop: Where's the money? Blind cop: *Tries to pound fist on table but misses.... WHERE IS EVERYTHING???

   Just applied for a job, fingers crossed I will be able to quit my current position of living room curator, tv remote control specialist.

   Don't worry Ted, if the whole Presidency thing doesn't work for you perhaps you should try to become the Prime Minister of Canada.

   I wanted to touch you, taste your sweetness with soft aromas beckoning me - it was just the beginning of our tragic love story. *pastries

   (Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"

   Grindr had a worldwide outage this weekend, is it too late to stock up on apocalypse survival supplies?

   I had the scariest dream last night...Donald Trump's running mate was Rosie O'Donnell!!!

   If there's a woman out there who wants to $exually harass me, let me know.. I will message you my cell # . . .

   I have to be successful because I have very expensive taste.