Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?

   What's the inside temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm.

   I heard that breathing can give you cancer.

   I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.

   “The man who fears losing has already lost.”

   You know a girl is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!

   Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.

   Nothing motivates me faster to clean my garage than the threat of a hail storm.

   When your surrounded by enemies the only thing to do is pull the pin on your grenade and smile!

   Your feet & the inside of your car tell me everything about a woman.

   If my mom taught me anything, it’s how to day drink.

   According to WebMD, there's no cure for you're dead to me

   I was devastated when I got a text from my "GF" telling me I was crap in bed.It's ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

   about as thug as a box of de-clawed kittens.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me

   I live with fear every day.....sometimes she lets me go fishing!

   Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.

   Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon

   A serial killer, that only targets couples in matching outfits.