Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.

   Nothing motivates me faster to clean my garage than the threat of a hail storm.

   When your surrounded by enemies the only thing to do is pull the pin on your grenade and smile!

   Your feet & the inside of your car tell me everything about a woman.

   If my mom taught me anything, it’s how to day drink.

   According to WebMD, there's no cure for you're dead to me

   I was devastated when I got a text from my "GF" telling me I was crap in bed.It's ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

   about as thug as a box of de-clawed kittens.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me

   I live with fear every day.....sometimes she lets me go fishing!

   Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.

   Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon

   A serial killer, that only targets couples in matching outfits.

   When you're dead, you don't know you're dead and it's only painful and difficult for others. The same thing applies to when you're stupid...

   9 minutes ago Should I buy halloween candy or pay off my mortgage?

   Looking for originality her e is like looking for a virgin in a wh0rehouse.

   I never imagined adulting would involve so much crying while eating ice cream.

   At what age do you get to start falling asleep in every chair you sit in?

   And then her mood ring just...exploded

   Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.