Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are dreaming of being on the same level with me, you better wake up and apologize!

   Finally, a funeral the Westboro Baptist Church can protest and no one will care about it...

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie, What drugs are you on, we should share

   XBox muppets may be laughing at us PS3 owners but at least we won't have to buy new consoles when the network's back up. No red circle of death for us.

   Guess I've been doing too much laundry lately. My kid pointed out a pink car and all I could think was, "huh.. someone must have thrown a red car in the wash with it"

   Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's that have touched my life and an unhappy one to all the Motherf#*ckers that I encounter everyday!

   Dear Vanilla Ice, how does one rock a mic like a Vandal? By sacking Rome?

   They say laughing adds 15 minutes to your life... So try not to smile

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said!!

   if a fly could stop all its nonesense I think it could produce honey

   was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   Doctor/Hosptial shows are all the same.. He's going into Cardiac Arrest! Commercial.. Oh wait it was only gas, He's having a Seizure! Commercial, Oh wait he was only masterbating."

   what happens in vegas,stays in vegas..except for herpes

   We have a game show called Survivor in America....you can win 1 million dollars for doing something for 2 weeks that most people on this planet call "life"!! It simply amazes me how spoiled, ungrateful and lazy we are!!

   In this bright future you can't forget your past. - Bob Marley, RIP

   A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas

   sells toilet paper for a living.... When the world poops he eats.

   Cicadas, Crafty LiL critters... I swear they play dead then when you turn away they fix those beady red eyes on your back and can fly just enough to land in your hair! Oh, and they have a death grip, 150 mph blower and they laugh...laugh I tell you!

   Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   just gonna park my car at the pump until payday...