Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do more drinking before 9:00 am than most people do all day.

   Every time I bite the ears off of a chocolate bunny only to find out it's hollow, I feel ripped off.

   Just sprayed Febreeze's "Brazilian Carnival" air freshener... So far, no party... Guess I'll just sit here and wait on my wax.

   says: Be quiet in the classroom, respect the fact that others sleep! My gosh, seriously!

   Todays Thing To Do: Make a To-Do list.

   Hubert J. Schlafly Jr., inventer of the teleprompter has died....President Obama said to be speechless...

   Well behaved Women rarely make History

   the best part of sunny days is not having to read about everyone complaining about the weather

   If you ever cause me to go to jail, I will slap the soap out of your hands...

   non-stop coverage of the royal wedding in the US! The news acts like we are a former English colony or something...

   Hey, hustler on the corner... you know what drug I would buy from you? Claritin-D 24... but you never have any.

   Ukrainian Mail-Order Brides is the way to go

   Please allow me to illustrate my point: .

   I bet when the guy who wrote the Seinfeld bass theme is feeling blue, he gets out his bass and plays that riff.

   don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

   Osama Bin Laden, World Hide and Seek Champ since 2001, Well played Sir.....

   Its official..Obama IS black... he finally killed someone.

   Wait, since Bin Laden's dead, who will protect us from the Jersey Shore??

   I Propose Osama Be Buried Under The White House Lawn And A Memorial Stating That If You Mess With The Best You Die Like The Rest!

   Scary thought but Kate Middleton and Osama now have something in common. Only a few days apart they both received a shot in the dark.:)