Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watches the Dancing with the Stars each week, hoping "Johnny Lawrence" jumps on stage and sweeps Ralph Macchio's leg.

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups...

   swimming less than 30 minutes after a meal.. Thug life baby!!

   Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

   Sophisticated…Aerodynamic…Incredibly Powerful, yet responsive to lightweight handling

   Went to this mexican restaurant for dinner ... It had pronounciations of each item ... Nachos (Na-choos) Buritto (Bur-ee-toe) Taco (Ta-Koe), never laughed so hard in my life! Side note: It was attached to a bowling alley ... awesome

   These voices in my head are really annoying , but sometimes they come up with a good idea .

   you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

   When the toilet lids closed, it's turned into a seat.

   What's the difference between strippers and ballerinas? The ballerina's poles are horizontal.

   Stevie Wonders first text message: "lajjeoijalfweap'ojiejreojafjaoa;jfoweajaofjaofji"

   Nic Cage arrested for domestic abuse. Hope the judge throws a book at him -- y'know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it!

   having you ever eaten an apple with a worm in it? well buy an iphone and you will feel like that.

   If first you don't succeed, try try a GUN.

   The hospitals are running low on plasma and need donations. Aren't those pretty expensive TVs for a hospital's budget?

   Why does the Pope mobile have bulletproof glass? If the Pope is afraid to die, what chance does anyone else have!

   Just got scammed out of $25.00, Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes. " Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed. Best Regards, Charlie Sheen

   If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught

   If the Easter Bunny leaves you Jelly Beans, don't eat the brown ones.

   People say best friends are hard to find. That's because the best one's already mine.