Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry folks, Have to RUN, my parole office is knocking on my apartment door..........

   Lady Gaga hatched from an egg... has a hard shell like backside and horns beginning to grow out of her forehead... I think maybe she was born to be a dinosaur.

   Then God made Saturn, and He liked it so much he put a ring on it.

   Okay, which one of you single ladies wants to have casual valentine's sex with me tonight?

   Chocolate..✔,.Strawberries..✔,.Whipped Cream..✔,....now just need my Valentine!!

   I've only got a couple more years in my "fat stage of life" before I start getting refer'd to as the "fat friend"

   PLEASE NOTE... Facebook has changed its News Feed, so that by default, you can only see updates from people you've recently interacted with! To change this, click on the arrow next to 'Most Recent', then 'Edit Options', and check the box to receive updat

   in charge of fixing dinner tonight, and I want to get home and open that jar of peanut butter so it can breathe.

   I don't understand the point of the Shake Weight; if you need weights, wouldn't you already jiggle enough???

   Presidents Day is just another Monday I'm celebrating Sarah Palin not being president

   Dear snow, I think you're lost. Alaska is a different way.

   Oh Mylanta!

   walking and waiting for the Hawaiian Tropic tour bus to come by and ask me to be their oil boy.

   Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. If you follow your heart you'll never go wrong.

   Oh, I'm sorry....I didn't realize you were giving me a dirty look, I thought you were that ugly all of the time.

   Where you find true friendship, You find true love.

   Democrats...Republicans...News Media....Racial tension....let's put the blame where it belongs....THANKS EVE, HAVE "ANOTHER " APPLE !!!!!

   You can safely say you live in the ghetto when you open your front door to the smell of hotdogs.

   just discovered a great motivator for dieting. I just tried on my bikini's I plan on wearing this summer.

   WOW!!!! Kirk Douglas looks better then Larry King.