Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody that asks me to go shopping today gets a big "HELL NO!"

   Saying over the store microphone "Attention all shoppers, we're having an 85% off toy sale in the tire and lube area" sure opens the check out lines fast.

   Just bought someone I don't really like something they don't really need. But I saved 10 bucks!!

   Studying for these Harvard finals is pretty rough. I should have gone to Yale.

   Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you aren't getting any.

   alright ladies...time to put down the booze n get busy on theses dishes...

   Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst thing you could get from girls were cooties? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth? Your worst enemies were your siblings. the onl

   I hate when people put words in my mouth.. with the possible exceptions of “waffle” or “sandwich.”

   When will it be socially acceptable to drink queso from a straw?

   ‎"Only one store has been a part of your life for 150 years. That's the power of MACY'S" Wow! They're really targeting the seniors with this commercial!

   A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!' 'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'

   Why are the women in maxipad commercials always wearing white pants? Don't they realize it's after labor day?

   Why does everyone say, "Calgon, take me away!" when they are having a bad day? Calgon doesn't have anything on a little bit of whiskey or beer.

   Why is a woman's fantasy a man who can read their minds? If we could, how would you manage to trick us into thinking you're aren't crazy?

   Make up, the worst lie man will ever come across

   I've been in a relationship with Jack Daniels for so long...should be able to claim him as a dependant on my taxes.

   I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you smoke weed.

   I'm buying 100 Gyro-bowls for Christmas. I'm tired of spilling my vodka when I stumble out of the bathroom. who wants one?

   The thing guys want most for Christmas: A portrait of themselves in a karate outfit, leaning against a sweet Trans Am.

   "Eh....I'll wait for the next one." - Procrastinating Lifeguard