Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are the women in maxipad commercials always wearing white pants? Don't they realize it's after labor day?

   Why does everyone say, "Calgon, take me away!" when they are having a bad day? Calgon doesn't have anything on a little bit of whiskey or beer.

   Why is a woman's fantasy a man who can read their minds? If we could, how would you manage to trick us into thinking you're aren't crazy?

   Make up, the worst lie man will ever come across

   I've been in a relationship with Jack Daniels for so long...should be able to claim him as a dependant on my taxes.

   I think I am going to try the Pizza, Chicken Fingers and Little Debbie diet. That's all my daughter eats and not an ounce of fat on her.

   Your Honor, please direct the witness to answer the question. I'll ask it once again. Why are you hitting yourself?

   A dog is man's best friend. In some states, they're friends with benefits.

   It takes a real Phil Collins fan to name one of their children Sussudio. That child is destined to stutter.

   If I have to endure another day where Facebook doesn't work and is constantly disappointing me, I might have to start dating it.

   not say that my ex-wife is psychotic but Freddy Kruger asked me to hide the sleeping pills.

   going to be in a movie. I'm playing the man from Nantucket.

   It says something when you stay true to a dream even though that dream maybe out of sight.

   I love pulling in a random person's driveway when a cop is turning around to pull me over. Makes me feel like James Bond.

   Van Der Sloot is looking to get paid for media interviews. I'm confused. Why hasn't this guy been given a Peruvian death wedgie yet?

   All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   Where would one apply to be a boob critic? I think I would do well at this.

   If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

   Don't hate me for being me, hate yourself for not being me!

   CNN reporting- Lebron James chose Kit-Kat over Snickers even though the snickers was said to be more satisfying...