Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just got his swine flu shot. It's made with real bits of swine, so you know it's good.

   was going to stop procrastinating and be productive today but I think I'll do that later. ;o)

   In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide!! " linkin Park - New Divide"

   hacked into Santa's computer,cleared the naughty list out..and has changed "coal" under Present List to "PS3""Wii" and "iphone".

   I think I am going to try the Pizza, Chicken Fingers and Little Debbie diet. That's all my daughter eats and not an ounce of fat on her.

   Your Honor, please direct the witness to answer the question. I'll ask it once again. Why are you hitting yourself?

   A dog is man's best friend. In some states, they're friends with benefits.

   It takes a real Phil Collins fan to name one of their children Sussudio. That child is destined to stutter.

   If I have to endure another day where Facebook doesn't work and is constantly disappointing me, I might have to start dating it.

   not say that my ex-wife is psychotic but Freddy Kruger asked me to hide the sleeping pills.

   going to be in a movie. I'm playing the man from Nantucket.

   It says something when you stay true to a dream even though that dream maybe out of sight.

   I love pulling in a random person's driveway when a cop is turning around to pull me over. Makes me feel like James Bond.

   Van Der Sloot is looking to get paid for media interviews. I'm confused. Why hasn't this guy been given a Peruvian death wedgie yet?

   All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   Where would one apply to be a boob critic? I think I would do well at this.

   If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

   Don't hate me for being me, hate yourself for not being me!

   CNN reporting- Lebron James chose Kit-Kat over Snickers even though the snickers was said to be more satisfying...

   The girl is mine, Life's a b*tch so the whole world is mine.