Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Say goodbye to that nasty smoke, Vatican! From the makers of e-cigarettes comes NEW e-chimney™.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   Pro life tip:I've found the best way to avoid my life ending from a police officer is to not break the law.If I do break the law, then I comply with their authority.If I do not agree with their authority I surrender and allow due process with an attorney.

   I've found the best way to avoid being shot by a policeman is to not break the law.

   I hope everyone's fridge gets knocked out in the storm. Bama voters will be in line for new food-stamps instead of voting.

   Soooooo my Black friend just got mad at me, cause I called him a slave. Seriously, I was just yanking his chain!!

   Larry King is getting his 8th divorce; Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time; Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage; Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING; yet the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the insti

   If ur so damn concerned about animal testing then why dont you lobby to allow voluntary human testing in the U.S. AND THEN go volunteer. People who give $ to help animals but leave children & other humans 2 suffer piss me off.

   TLC has announced that Kate +8 has been cancelled and has been replaced with a new show Casey -1.

   to the person who wrote they dont want 2 B reminded of 911 cuz it was a horrifuc day,well so is your birthday ! JERK !

   (O)ne (B)ig (A)ss (M)istake (A)merica

   I wonder if Hostess made Watermelon and Fried Chicken Twinkies if there would have been a bail out?

   The only thing more insane than Tim Tebow believing the universe was created in 6 days is the Patriots believing in Tim Tebow.

   what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

   calling someone out on Facebook is like winning the gold medal in the Special Olympics: In the end, you are still retarded.

   I was watching my dog lick himself when I though "I'm gonna try that".....He bit me!!!!

   Thanks for the sticker on your car telling me to remember 9/11. While you're at it, why not tell me to remember when my parents got divorced, when my dog died, and when my ex cheated on me.

   Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.

   Guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early do

   McDonalds has new bags to hide the fact you are eating Mcdonalds? Your fat a$$ already gave it away.