Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   YoutubeTV, we will settle for $15 credit, instead of $20. BUT you must take CNN with you.

   My girlfriend says she 'feels pregnant' and I am now feeling sick.

   A new Psychology study reveals that 1 out of every 100 black midgets don't know what Willis is talking about!!

   The problem with you young and dumb fellas is that you treating the females you loving with the same kind of respect that you treat the ones that you are just screwing.

   Scientists now can grow a urethra with seed cells from a boy's bladder; before using urinary parts from pigs' bladders caused patients to "go wee wee wee all the way home."

   as a male I get offended when a girl asks me if I have abs..thats kinda like me asking a woman what size are her titts ..

   I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that's what it tasted like.

   Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!

   Honestly, I'd hit Anderson Cooper too if I had the chance.

   RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.

   If you have VIP in ur license plate you are a douchebag. If you have VIP in the license plate of ur 1996 Toyota Corolla you r a delusional douchebag

   My biggest fear is that my legs will go to sleep while I'm going poop then stand up, collapse and get knocked out. Then I'd be found on the floor naked and sh!tty...

   i need to find cinderella because I'm tired of running into her stuck-up cant take a joke high maintence sisters

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate

   Intelligence Report: Pakistan may have contributed in housing and hiding Bin Laden. Did it really take an Intelligence Report to figure this out?

   remembers a time when 'Binge Drinking' was simply called 'Getting Pissed'

   says, I love work. I can sit and watch it all day.

   Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   Pull my finger... THEN RUN LIKE HELL!!