Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so high I could eat a cloud.

   Our country is broke and overweight. Yet we still pay $$ to power up escalators? Makes sense.

   The American Pickers just found an ancient Bible hand signed by the apostle Paul. They talked the guy down to thirty bucks .

   A good head on HIS shoulders will open doors. Great head on HER knees will open every single door.

   After Labor Day, it's no longer fashionable to wear white, so I'm spending today in a $12,000 Vera Wang Wedding Gown.

   All these great deals we were promised must be happening on days that I am not watching the news.

   When Trump said he'd "Give every American a Job" I didn't realise there's was just one job & they'd all get a turn. #mooch

   YoutubeTV, we will settle for $15 credit, instead of $20. BUT you must take CNN with you.

   My girlfriend says she 'feels pregnant' and I am now feeling sick.

   A new Psychology study reveals that 1 out of every 100 black midgets don't know what Willis is talking about!!

   The problem with you young and dumb fellas is that you treating the females you loving with the same kind of respect that you treat the ones that you are just screwing.

   Scientists now can grow a urethra with seed cells from a boy's bladder; before using urinary parts from pigs' bladders caused patients to "go wee wee wee all the way home."

   as a male I get offended when a girl asks me if I have abs..thats kinda like me asking a woman what size are her titts ..

   I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that's what it tasted like.

   Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!

   Honestly, I'd hit Anderson Cooper too if I had the chance.

   RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.

   If you have VIP in ur license plate you are a douchebag. If you have VIP in the license plate of ur 1996 Toyota Corolla you r a delusional douchebag

   My biggest fear is that my legs will go to sleep while I'm going poop then stand up, collapse and get knocked out. Then I'd be found on the floor naked and sh!tty...

   i need to find cinderella because I'm tired of running into her stuck-up cant take a joke high maintence sisters