Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt. Undoubtedly, all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony.

   I've lost my mind, if you find it please put it back in the gutter..

   Man tried to hitch on an Airbus by hiding inside the landing tire... people say he was terminally ill! what a turbulent life...

   This day has been pointless… Kinda like Halle Berry topless in ‘Swordfish'….. Pointless!

   has done his bit for the environment today by switching to natural gas. It was the best bowl of beans I've had in a while.

   First they came for the wealthy, and I did not speak out--because I was not wealthy;Then they came for the business owners, and I did not speak out--because I was not a business owner; Then they came after my money--and there was no one left to speak for

   Loading Swag... ████████████████ 100% Complete

   Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

   right now am kinda having that "awkward moment when Robert Green asks you to play catch with him!!! ಠ_ಠ !"

   "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

   when I become CEO of Subway emploees will no longer be called sandwich artists the will be sub humans

   Did jay-z call beyonce feyonce after he proposed?

   Does anyone else worry that when you doodle, youll accidently scrawl an arcane symbol in a dead language and summon a demon from the netherworld? No? Just me then..

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.

   I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!

   I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.

   In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!

   If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?