Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Winter is supposed to leave tomorrow, so he showed up early this morning, threw sh*t around, made me feel cold and desolate, and left his money shot all over my car. He must be related to my ex.

   Has just realised something; all my role models, idols and people I look upto were all on drugs! :p

   has done his bit for the environment today by switching to natural gas. It was the best bowl of beans I've had in a while.

   First they came for the wealthy, and I did not speak out--because I was not wealthy;Then they came for the business owners, and I did not speak out--because I was not a business owner; Then they came after my money--and there was no one left to speak for

   Loading Swag... ████████████████ 100% Complete

   Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

   right now am kinda having that "awkward moment when Robert Green asks you to play catch with him!!! ಠ_ಠ !"

   "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

   when I become CEO of Subway emploees will no longer be called sandwich artists the will be sub humans

   Did jay-z call beyonce feyonce after he proposed?

   Does anyone else worry that when you doodle, youll accidently scrawl an arcane symbol in a dead language and summon a demon from the netherworld? No? Just me then..

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.

   I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!

   I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.

   In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!

   If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?

   There is nothing a drunk me and some bullets can't fix.

   Jail Me Elmo , Just in time for the Holiday season, " Hello My Name is Elmo , Can you say Incarcerated?"