Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know your joke is bad when you cant even give yourself a thumbs up

   You wanna see awesome? Go to the nearest mirror and make eye contact with the eyes that look back at you :)

   Arch West, the creator of Doritos, has passed away at the age of 97. Do you think he'll have a triangle shaped tombstone???

   "The world needs fewer judgmental people." - Some stupid idiot person, probably.

   If I could only have a dollar for every 'LIKE' I receive ...

   The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgaing. I was drafting.

   Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.

   Alright Monday what kind of bullsh*t you got for me this time.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts

   Don't get too excited about Die-ins. They're not really dead! They're just acting like they can't take orders from police.

   You should learn from the past, live for today, and look forward to tomorrow... I'm gonna take a nap!

   Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

   Just saw a "for lease" sign, I painted "navidad" under it ...

   After searching Justin Bieber’s house, police say his only crime is calling what he does music

   I asked her to take me somewhere I have never been before and she took me to church. :(

   Only if women knew how special it makes a man feel when you wake him up in the middle of the night to give you some coz you are feeling horny.

   If you ever think that English is not a shtty language, just remember that read and lead rhyme, and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead