Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

   does things that no cartoon character would dare to go

   Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs. Happy Easter!

   sorry about thoes texts I sent last night, my phone was drunk.

   I love it when a girl smiles, she looks beautiful but when she makes a duck face... honestly, she looks like a duck

   At a time like this I wonder...What would Jimmy Buffett do???

   As a show of support for all my friends effected by or responding to Hurricane Irene, I am currently sitting in a washer set to spin............

   Just read the entire Michael Jackson will -- turns out the doggone girl is mine.

   you know your joke is bad when you cant even give yourself a thumbs up

   You wanna see awesome? Go to the nearest mirror and make eye contact with the eyes that look back at you :)

   Arch West, the creator of Doritos, has passed away at the age of 97. Do you think he'll have a triangle shaped tombstone???

   "The world needs fewer judgmental people." - Some stupid idiot person, probably.

   If I could only have a dollar for every 'LIKE' I receive ...

   The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

   So do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

   It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgaing. I was drafting.

   Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.

   Alright Monday what kind of bullsh*t you got for me this time.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts