Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Need a friend? Text me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need money? This number is no longer in service.

   The fact that music can induce goosebumps, draw a tear, inspire, and connect is one of my favorite parts of being a human.

   Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA HA HA!!!

   Snakes are just tails with faces...

   Just popped a button on my shorts and now it looks like a just-opened cannister of Pillsbury crescent rolls.

   Heading to Mt. Pilot with Thelma Lou for Goobers funeral...

   i dont know whats worst..hearing dane cooks jokes..or seeing them recycled here all the time

   I'm fighting the worst case of bad breath EVER! It's tough holding a co-worker down while you brush his teeth.

   My family is from so far out in the country that my mammy doesn't know she is free. No one will tell her b/c her cornbread off the hook.

   I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.

   The bare toilet paper tube next to my open lap top tells you all you need to know about last night.

   I went to Walmart on my way home tonight and this guy was buying camping gear and women thongs, makes you wonder what the hell he is doing later.

   its saturday and cartoons are on!

   Facebook now lets you put a star on the people you want to follow more closely. I was going to do that until I realized... isn't that what Hitler did?

   Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

   "if you haven't gotten laid using facebook, you're doing it wrong" - 90% of facebook users

   I don't care what ANYONE says. He's MY dog, he's grown, & if he wants to get a tattoo, who am I to stop him?

   how did this happen? ----> amish-online-dating.com

   middle finger to all the b!tches that had me and played me like a fool.

   quietly ovulating.