Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah

   Women love when you do "the little things." I don't know what they are, but they love that sh*t

   Another lawyer TV series and I start strangling cats.

   i wonder what the ex pope will do with all those sweet hats

   marijuana is the only medication who may cause good side effect

   April Fools Day: Don't believe anyone or anything...like you should any other day.

   I won the celebrity death pool today, I had Shain Gandee...

   Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.

   Need a friend? Text me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need money? This number is no longer in service.

   The fact that music can induce goosebumps, draw a tear, inspire, and connect is one of my favorite parts of being a human.

   Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA HA HA!!!

   Snakes are just tails with faces...

   Just popped a button on my shorts and now it looks like a just-opened cannister of Pillsbury crescent rolls.

   Heading to Mt. Pilot with Thelma Lou for Goobers funeral...

   i dont know whats worst..hearing dane cooks jokes..or seeing them recycled here all the time

   I'm fighting the worst case of bad breath EVER! It's tough holding a co-worker down while you brush his teeth.

   My family is from so far out in the country that my mammy doesn't know she is free. No one will tell her b/c her cornbread off the hook.

   I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.

   The bare toilet paper tube next to my open lap top tells you all you need to know about last night.

   I went to Walmart on my way home tonight and this guy was buying camping gear and women thongs, makes you wonder what the hell he is doing later.