Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Less talk, more overreaction.

   That moment when ya reach down t'ween your legs to pull the handle to slide your car seat forward, but it won't move, so you keep try over and over to only realize that from the outside it probably looks like you're vigorously humping your own forearm

   Life gave me onions........ P.S. Onionade sucks.

   Committing to your happiness increases your chances for success.

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucked yesterday, it’s probably still going to suck today in 2015...

   If people are against war get Michael Moore to say something so outrageous they will support it again.

   I ate so many chips I pooped an Eric Estrada.

   The more you duck face, the less I like you.

   You know what is worse than the riots in Baltimore......... Another Paul Blart movie.

   How do pizza delivery folks not eat the pizza on the way?

   Kiss and make up is my favourite description of a Kiss concert

   Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me

   I'm fluent in 5 distinct variations of jackass.

   Get married they said, it will be a blessing they said, wives are psychos they never said.

   How we man wake up in the morning. Brain: Oh Fu&k. Body: Dont get up. Dic&: This is SPARTA..

   so batman, superman, and spiderman just unfriend me because the giraffe riddle offended them.

   I'm just practicing my arrogance in case I get rich one day.

   Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach obviously never had a blow job.

   You just know Quentin Tarantino has killed at least one hooker.