Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best way to drink decaf coffee is to throw it at somebody.

   Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.

   The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.

   Old MacDonald had a farm... and a redheaded goth son named Ronald, that did acid and talked to hamburgers and purple blobby things.

   What are people asking Meatloaf to do 'for love'?

   Got kicked out of the gym for crying again

   Less talk, more overreaction.

   That moment when ya reach down t'ween your legs to pull the handle to slide your car seat forward, but it won't move, so you keep try over and over to only realize that from the outside it probably looks like you're vigorously humping your own forearm

   Life gave me onions........ P.S. Onionade sucks.

   Committing to your happiness increases your chances for success.

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucked yesterday, it’s probably still going to suck today in 2015...

   If people are against war get Michael Moore to say something so outrageous they will support it again.

   I ate so many chips I pooped an Eric Estrada.

   The more you duck face, the less I like you.

   You know what is worse than the riots in Baltimore......... Another Paul Blart movie.

   How do pizza delivery folks not eat the pizza on the way?

   Kiss and make up is my favourite description of a Kiss concert

   Just got passed by a Prius, and I DIDN'T exclaim "Oh hell no" then gun it............... I don't know what's happening to me

   I'm fluent in 5 distinct variations of jackass.