Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just took a typing test. 160 words per minute. The word was "a". That counts, right?

   Confucius Says: Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right

   Blood makes you related. love makes you fam. :)

   #CoinStar guaranteed walk of shame for $10 bucks

   In an interview years later, Prince's former boss Mr. McGee said that he never disliked Prince. He just liked Morris Day better.

   When you bring the Taco Bell 12 pack of tacos to the party. You won't be finding yourself invited to a lot of parties.

   That "HELL YEAH" moment after you read a text post that exactly says what you really feel and think.

   Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

   Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all the while singing ”I Will Survive”. Post it on your Facebook wall.

   I wonder how much trial and error it took before the guy that invented "pull my finger" got it down to a science and stopped pooping his pants.

   I hate when people text me.."Hey Stranger? How are you?" Clearly I'm not a stranger if you have my cell phone #!

   Nothing says "mentally I'll and loving it" like stuffed animals in your car window.

   I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.

   I'm feeling a bit scrappy and chivalrous today. kinda like the fox Sir Didymus in The Labyrinth. Where is Ambrosius my trusty steed?..RJ..

   The best way to drink decaf coffee is to throw it at somebody.

   Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.

   The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.

   Old MacDonald had a farm... and a redheaded goth son named Ronald, that did acid and talked to hamburgers and purple blobby things.

   What are people asking Meatloaf to do 'for love'?

   Got kicked out of the gym for crying again