Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   playing music for the hearing impaired.

   'This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read it without the word dog!'

   What do you call a woman who doesn't think she belongs in the kitchen? Divorced.

   Dear God, Lets make a trade. Ryan Dunn for Justin Bieber? Love, Everyone.

   Dear Religion, This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school. Your pal, Science.

   I remember September 11th like it was yesterday.

   News update! "Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery!"

   I do not look back, the past is over, what's done is done, I thank god for what his given me and ask him to guide my ways towards a life of happiness ♥

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea... if you add commas.

   Someone should tell all the police officers, teachers, firefighters and military people that apparently the *real* heroes are gays that go public.

   DNC motto " The tacos and africans are just dumb enough to vote for us"

   Why are we surprised? Trump won't even accept the results of his own hairline.

   I’m afraid of a world run by people who were never spanked as a kid and given a trophy just for participating.

   the only thing that keeps water from being a ho is the 2

   I don't understand the whole gay women play softball thing. Please explain to me because it's a bunch of girls who like to hold wood & catch balls in spandex on their free time...

   ATTENTION: The National Weather service in Texas has issued a HOLLY SH1T ITS FRICKING COLD ADVISORY. Be prepared, use the "budy system" when staying warm tonight!

   My Craigslist hooker turned out to be a man. It has been over an hour and he won't take a hint to leave. He can keep my 200 bucks. This was a poor idea.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

   Dear iPhone, I'm pretty sure I meant to spell "b*tches" not "chubies"

   Dear Beer,I forgive You for abandoning me during tough times during the week, I love You for coming back on weekend and will French kiss You, till sobriety do us apart!