Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot, sailor's knot.....I can't do them, but the wires in back of my computer desk sure can.

   Christmas is not about what your home looks like, it's about love and sharing.

   There are times when strangers are like family, and family are like strangers.

   im going to send in a video of me dodging a spider web as my audition tape for the next Matrix movie

   Angry birds are nothing compared to angry beavers. Those teeth hurt!

   I tend to say " I don't know" when i'm too lazy to speak.

   two guys walk into a bar..i was one of them. I dont remember anything else

   What do you get someone who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start.....

   Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who knows whats going on?

   Charles Taylor might very well be guilty of war crimes, but he does make a fine sneaker

   Fear exists for one purpose, to be conquered....

   "Jacuzzi" - a Swedish word that loosely translates to "sweating underwater".......

   They say every birth is a miracle of God but after watching these people at Walmart they would probably become atheist.

   Whoever said "money doesn't grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed

   That disappointing feeling you get when you unlock the black guy in temple run and realize he's not any faster.

   The effects that bath salts have been having give a whole new meaning to "Calgon · Take Me Away!"

   im happier than a puppy with 2 peters

   almost had a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before we ever met

   Driving in snow is alot like going down on a girl...Just go slow and watch out for the a55hole behind you...

   Its original title was "Everybody Loves Raymond, except Neil Daughtery, the convenience store clerk He Stabbed in 1982."