Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why women want men to open their car door for them, but yet they want to vote... PICK ONE!!!

   going to go postal, but I have to wait 4 -6 weeks for them to find my rifle in the mail.

   Ryan Seacrests comment after kissing Ellen on the lips: "Taste like fish"

   What did 0 say to 8? "Hey, nice belt!

   If you think I care about what you think of me, then you've highly over estimated my opinion of you.

   has come to the conclusion the more women have seen naked by accident than on purpose.

   I'd mind my own business if yours was a little less interesting

   Dude what are you thinking!? She has a boyfriend!!! Yeah, so??? Just cause hockey has a goalie doesn't mean you can't score!

   "Collusion is not a crime." Unless it was done by Hillary.

   I can't believe it's been 5 years since the world ended in 2012

   Looks like the Apple doesn't fall far from the immature tree.

   You know in the movie 'Jaws' when everyone is pissed the beaches are closed because the shark keeps killing people, and they know it's killing people, but they go to the beach anyways? This is what we're going through now.

   When I drive if you beep your horn .31 seconds after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.

   Don't ever forget the 'L' if you ever Google, 'Grandfather Clock.'

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a damn video proving it.

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Most people in church right now are praying for the service to be over.

   People call it Valentine's Day, I call it Tuesday.

   Christ's Hope Rescuing Iniquitous Souls To Miraculously Administer Salvation!!! Thank God for Christmas!!!!

   The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies.