Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WOW Justin Bieber has signed up to fly into space!.... On an unrelated subject... Does anyone know how to sabotage a spaceflight?

   "by day I am just a regular loser, by night I am the same loser only it’s nighttime".

   I can't live without y̶o̶u̶. FOOD...

   i just saw snooki!!! oh wait it was Dani Da vito

   I found a fruit roll up in my pocket today. Which means one of your kids has a banana flavored blunt wrap in their lunch box

   If I wink at a hottie & she puts her cigarette out on her neck, that's still considered flirting, right guys?

   it too much to ask for a COFFEE only line at Tim Hortons? Wake up and smell the coffee Tim!!

   Silence is always better than a crappy joke.

   If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.

   If you sweat when you eat, does it count as exercise?

   I went on Twitter this week. Don't worry, they are not getting any sex there either.

   The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke

   A lot of people will disappoint you in life. Don't let any of them be you.

   Twinkee's are coming back... There is a God.

   My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery. It's her own version of sign language, sew to speak....

   No pants are the best pants.

   I'm not arrogant... I'm optimistic ... I truly believe everyone will come around to my way of thinking

   The difference between men and boys, is men take responsibility for their actions…boys still ask mama if it’s ok.

   Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.

   I thought I seen a flying mattress going down the road, but then realized it was strapped to a smart car.