Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My safe word is: I have 3 kids!

   There's 16 decorative pillows on her bed and anger in her heart.

   Stop texting me. If I wanted to see you again I would not have stolen the Honey Baked ham from your fridge

   Horoscope: Yes she got all your texts.

   Not really supposed to say anything yet, but… I joined Blink 182. Gonna take it in a super fun new direction.

   Yelp reviews, but for co-workers

   Waiter, is the chicken cage-free? Yes, they've never seen a Nicholas Cage movie. Not even Con-Air?! That's a classic! Fine, I'll have the steak.

   FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!!!!!!!! consider paper, or scissors if the second throw.

   My Favorite machine at the Gym is the Television

   Since I get so much crap in the mail, I have decided to make my mailbox the trash can.........

   Girl, are you an alarm clock? Because I'd totally hit it at least three times before I got out of bed.

   a court date is technically a date, right??

   Don't you hate it when you clean your house for the Police and they don't show up???

   Sorry your son is so good at cheerleading. I guess that's just the downside of naming him Bryce.

   glad the Princess's name isn't Kimberly Lindsey Hilton

   Signed my kid up for Karate lessons 3 months ago and he still hasn't waxed my car once.

   Tossing back a drink for all of the presidents who died...so that we could have a day off work. Salute!

   Our relationship is so special we will not cheapen or desecrate it by putting it all over Facebook.

   Too bad Waldo wasn't on that missing Malaysian airliner, someone would have found it by now......

   Last week I applied for a job with the state and had to take an IQ test before I left. In today's mail from them was a rejection letter, a get well card and a $20 bill.