Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never the trendsetter his cousin Davy was, explorer Stevie Crockett failed in his attempt to popularize the skunkskin cap

   You smell good. You are my new girlfriend now. You have 24 hours to get rid of your husband.

   What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone

   They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. so ladies, be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.

   bad news: 2 Chainz will not be performing as scheduled. good news: 2 Chainz will not be performing as scheduled.

   It's like I'm the only one in this gym who thinks groin fitness is important.

   My safe word is: I have 3 kids!

   There's 16 decorative pillows on her bed and anger in her heart.

   Stop texting me. If I wanted to see you again I would not have stolen the Honey Baked ham from your fridge

   Horoscope: Yes she got all your texts.

   Not really supposed to say anything yet, but… I joined Blink 182. Gonna take it in a super fun new direction.

   Yelp reviews, but for co-workers

   Waiter, is the chicken cage-free? Yes, they've never seen a Nicholas Cage movie. Not even Con-Air?! That's a classic! Fine, I'll have the steak.

   FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!!!!!!!! consider paper, or scissors if the second throw.

   My Favorite machine at the Gym is the Television

   Since I get so much crap in the mail, I have decided to make my mailbox the trash can.........

   Girl, are you an alarm clock? Because I'd totally hit it at least three times before I got out of bed.

   a court date is technically a date, right??

   Don't you hate it when you clean your house for the Police and they don't show up???

   Sorry your son is so good at cheerleading. I guess that's just the downside of naming him Bryce.