Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shoutout to blondes who put on lip gloss before they brush their teeth.

   I love how people always say they hate drama, yet they're constantly posting their drama on Facebook!

   Pat Sajak was drunk at the wheel......

   You sir are so fluent in bullsh!t.

   Black Friday... Where the difference between "in line" and "on-line" is about 3 1/2 hours.

   When you're put on hold using a cellphone, why can't the music be clear? It sounds like listening to an 80s tape after it is all torn up and played backwards.

   Got in a fight once and ended up with a black eye. But you shoulda seen the other guy... Seriously, his form was AMAZING. Like a pro boxer.

   The "J" in my neighbors joy sign burned out. A multi-faith family perhaps?

   FYI: In the hip-hop community he's known as Li'l Drummer Boy.

   Can any Chicago Bears ffans out there hook me up with an eight ball?

   First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door...... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

   Sometimes I like to walk next to people and sync with their step

   I wish Eazy E was alive to see this LA Kings Stanley Cup Victory

   Ive decided I'm going to be a better person starting now until the next time I check facebook.

   "You "go ahead , I'm gonna go for the one with the smaller breast" said no man ever

   Having sex while you are watching a p0rno does not count as 0rgy.

   4th Of July The Day Mexicans Celebrate It More Than Americans

   Update Yourself.. Not your status.

   I could love anyone provided you're not a jerk, have decent teeth, and a good credit score.

   Why do you date girls that look like men? Why not just date a man?