Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing aggravates me more than to hear a career politician say, "I am not a career politician."

   Its New Years... I just dont understand why people feel the need that they have to go out and get sh!tfaced and not remember ringing in the New Year..Well I guess I should finish these beers and get back to work. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

   I hate when I'm about to chat someone and they go offline.

   Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. But not during sex, that's just selfish.

   Poor decisions should be rated on a scale of 1 to Charlie Sheen.

   marry the 1st girl who unhooks it for you! She hates to see you struggle

   Shoutout to blondes who put on lip gloss before they brush their teeth.

   I love how people always say they hate drama, yet they're constantly posting their drama on Facebook!

   Pat Sajak was drunk at the wheel......

   You sir are so fluent in bullsh!t.

   Black Friday... Where the difference between "in line" and "on-line" is about 3 1/2 hours.

   When you're put on hold using a cellphone, why can't the music be clear? It sounds like listening to an 80s tape after it is all torn up and played backwards.

   Got in a fight once and ended up with a black eye. But you shoulda seen the other guy... Seriously, his form was AMAZING. Like a pro boxer.

   The "J" in my neighbors joy sign burned out. A multi-faith family perhaps?

   FYI: In the hip-hop community he's known as Li'l Drummer Boy.

   Can any Chicago Bears ffans out there hook me up with an eight ball?

   First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door...... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

   Sometimes I like to walk next to people and sync with their step

   I wish Eazy E was alive to see this LA Kings Stanley Cup Victory

   Ive decided I'm going to be a better person starting now until the next time I check facebook.