Aaron Funny Status Messages

   What if birds are just out of control napkins.

   This is 2011. Giving me $10 to cut your grass will get me as far as mowing "F**K YOU" in it.

   If I jumped out a plane and my parcute didn't work I would be so angry.

   Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

   Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

   You guys, this is my first ever facebook status update sent from a toilet. Did I do good?

   I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

   When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

   Life didn't hand me lemons. I picked them myself.

   Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I'm going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.

   My least favorite part of Sunday mornings is being hungover when you have to find a place to hide the body.

   I use to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

   To all my Atheist and Agnostic friends. T_IF!

   Honey, remember to address the dog as "Dr." Scruffy. We didn't pay for eight years of post-grad obedience school for nothing.

   "...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."

   Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

   I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.

   Got up to watch the sunrise this morning. Orange. Real original nature, thanks for wasting my time.

   there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat