Leeferd Funny Status Messages

   decided to burn some calories this weekend so I set a fat kid on fire.

   watching his 401k descend like a drug addled hooker with vertigo.

   A dog is man's best friend. In some states, they're friends with benefits.

   It's pretty hard not to scratch when you're playing pocket pool.

   wants the Micro Machines Man to do my eulogy.

   heard some thunder yesterday & it wasn't even raining. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that Stevie Nicks is full of crap.

   I'm putting out my own sex tape. Sure, it's only duct tape, but you can use it for sex too.

   Saw Jack B. Nimble today at the candlestick store. Don't know why he has to jump over those things! Seems too risky.

   just got a painting of David Carradine and I hung it in my closet.

   After hearing someone just ramble on and on on the phone or in person, don't you just wish they would become verbally impotent?

   If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.

   I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.

   Other countries would fear us more if, instead of a nickname for a holding cell, the "Drunk Tank" were an actual weapon.

   "Weebonics"- The adorable chatter of a toddler.

   John Mellencamp was a visionary because he knew that Cougar in 2010 would have a very different meaning

   I'm good at reading between the lines when I'm doing cocaine off of a Kindle™.

   wishes more businesses would check their signs for mistakes. There is a HUGE difference in "Closed for remodeling" and " Closed for remolding."

   If your wife or girlfriend forces you to carry a "man bag", it's official: you've been "pursey whipped."

   My MIL takes the F out of MILF.