Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If on that certaint night in December 1945. Mary Anne said not tonight Fred, I have a headache. We all would be better off today.
←Rate | 08-11-2018 00:47 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄
←Rate | 08-10-2018 23:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 22:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we have trillions of dollars to spend on Space Force, should not we be using that money for our wall?
←Rate | 08-10-2018 21:23 Comments (1)  

   messageicon As I gaze out of my window as I have so many times before, sipping my morning coffee, I feel so at peace knowing that I got the last of the creamer.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 20:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 16:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't make this weird, that's my job.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 13:24 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 12:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 12:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?
←Rate | 08-10-2018 11:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Trump will make the aliens pay for Space Force?
←Rate | 08-10-2018 10:51 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now
←Rate | 08-10-2018 06:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."
←Rate | 08-10-2018 03:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 03:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.
←Rate | 08-10-2018 03:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.
←Rate | 08-09-2018 15:08 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”
←Rate | 08-09-2018 14:08 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

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