Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.
←Rate | 08-24-2020 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
←Rate | 09-14-2020 12:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one
←Rate | 09-18-2020 10:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.
←Rate | 10-13-2020 08:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.
←Rate | 10-19-2020 07:50 by IARU Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...
←Rate | 10-28-2020 02:17 by MrSharp Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.
←Rate | 12-09-2020 10:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged
←Rate | 01-24-2021 22:51 by Lonmo Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."
←Rate | 08-15-2018 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 21:59 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
←Rate | 03-26-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
←Rate | 04-07-2020 19:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.
←Rate | 06-26-2020 09:07 Comments (0)  

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