Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 20:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.
←Rate | 06-13-2022 02:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.
←Rate | 06-15-2022 01:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.
←Rate | 06-15-2022 01:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
←Rate | 06-13-2022 02:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.
←Rate | 06-15-2022 01:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Talking to someone who decided to call instead of text: Yes, that’s correct… And, the horse you rode in on.
←Rate | 05-29-2022 00:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
←Rate | 05-16-2022 05:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.
←Rate | 05-19-2022 07:33 Comments (0)  

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