Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   Truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...

   I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

   Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.