Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line