Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   St Patrick's Day resulted in the least DUI's ever.

   Gas is only a buck a gallon and we're not allowed to leave our houses...

   If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined

   When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   New pickup line: hey why don't you come back to my place, I have toilet paper😉

   I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.

   Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.