Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.

   You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?

   Talking to someone who decided to call instead of text: Yes, that’s correct… And, the horse you rode in on.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

   Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.