Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

   How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

   Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   To gain acceptance among my Hispanic friends, I say Mucho. It means a lot to them...

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.

   Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time

   You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.