Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 4 of 5942

   messageicon If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.
←Rate | 10-31-2019 19:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
←Rate | 11-24-2019 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.
←Rate | 09-30-2019 10:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?
←Rate | 10-30-2019 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace
←Rate | 10-26-2019 09:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?
←Rate | 10-08-2019 17:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 01:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat
←Rate | 10-24-2019 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
←Rate | 11-26-2019 11:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:28 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left