Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”