Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch