Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Place aluminum foil in a paper shredder ... BOOM TINSEL !!

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   Why do eggs come in a flimsy styrofoam containers but batteries come in a heavy plastic case you need a chainsaw to open?

   I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it just says “it’s around here somewhere, just keep driving”.

   Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check social media

   What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.

   If she spits on her hot-dog before eating it, you are in for a treat my man.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.

   Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?