Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person