Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 4 of 5572

   messageicon Kids consider “it’s bedtime” like it’s the first offer in the negotiation process.
←Rate | 04-03-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
←Rate | 04-04-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.
←Rate | 04-13-2017 08:44 by MK Comments (0)  

   messageicon A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 08:14 Comments (10)  

   messageicon Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
←Rate | 04-13-2017 18:59 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you are in a relationship and all you do is cry, you will have to ask yourself,"am I dating a human or an onion?"
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.
←Rate | 03-27-2017 05:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
←Rate | 03-28-2017 12:23 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
←Rate | 07-14-2013 03:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.
←Rate | 04-06-2017 05:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 05:12 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
←Rate | 04-06-2017 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
←Rate | 03-02-2017 08:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
←Rate | 12-30-2011 08:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket
←Rate | 04-10-2017 16:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️
←Rate | 02-14-2017 15:37 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
←Rate | 03-13-2017 19:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
←Rate | 03-15-2017 18:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?
←Rate | 04-01-2017 06:33 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left