Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.