Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!