Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 05:12 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
←Rate | 03-14-2017 02:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
←Rate | 03-13-2017 19:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?
←Rate | 04-01-2017 06:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
←Rate | 05-22-2017 07:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:35 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (2)  


   messageicon When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?
←Rate | 03-30-2017 11:10 by Me E Comments (1)  


   messageicon United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
←Rate | 04-11-2017 17:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.
←Rate | 01-13-2017 15:40 by snotty Comments (2)  


   messageicon If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
←Rate | 07-03-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 15:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
←Rate | 04-22-2017 19:02 by snotty Comments (20)  


   messageicon I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.
←Rate | 11-20-2016 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
←Rate | 02-22-2017 07:38 by Anon Comments (0)  


   messageicon A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
←Rate | 03-28-2017 12:23 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
←Rate | 01-31-2017 07:39 by Mikey c Comments (1)  


   messageicon Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
←Rate | 03-08-2017 07:50 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:41 Comments (2)  


   messageicon We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:29 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..
←Rate | 04-03-2017 16:36 by SEAN Comments (0)  



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