Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.
←Rate | 09-30-2019 10:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
←Rate | 10-11-2019 09:10 by Gabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Car washes are just another shower to cry in.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 05:40 by kisstoper707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
←Rate | 09-27-2019 09:09 by SEAN Comments (1)  

   messageicon I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 17:55 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
←Rate | 10-10-2019 11:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 22:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 22:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
←Rate | 10-01-2019 04:50 by Crewzey Comments (0)  

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