Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart