Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4 of 6324

It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.
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01-08-2023 00:40
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It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.
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01-08-2023 00:54
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The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
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01-18-2023 01:09
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My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.
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01-08-2023 01:07
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Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.
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01-18-2023 01:12
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I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00
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01-08-2023 01:35
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Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.
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01-13-2023 02:16
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We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.
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01-13-2023 02:23
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A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”
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01-09-2023 04:08
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Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”
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01-18-2023 01:15
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Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?
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01-06-2023 01:08
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I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.
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01-18-2023 01:18
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Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.
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01-18-2023 01:01
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When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.
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01-18-2023 01:21
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You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
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01-18-2023 01:28
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The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.
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01-06-2023 17:52
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90’s Psychopath = 2020’s Gender fluid mainstream progressive.
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01-08-2023 16:32
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Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.
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01-18-2023 01:24
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.
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01-09-2023 03:55
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Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?
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01-06-2023 01:15
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