Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon St Patrick's Day resulted in the least DUI's ever.
←Rate | 03-18-2020 10:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas is only a buck a gallon and we're not allowed to leave our houses...
←Rate | 03-19-2020 14:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined
←Rate | 04-01-2020 07:54 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.
←Rate | 04-09-2020 07:48 by TimS. Comments (0)  

   messageicon Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 18:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:42 Comments (4)  

   messageicon I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...
←Rate | 02-19-2020 11:07 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon New pickup line: hey why don't you come back to my place, I have toilet paper😉
←Rate | 03-11-2020 03:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
←Rate | 03-31-2020 12:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots
←Rate | 07-01-2018 10:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen
←Rate | 08-02-2018 22:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions
←Rate | 10-18-2018 11:42 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
←Rate | 05-10-2019 13:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?
←Rate | 09-22-2017 07:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.
←Rate | 08-31-2018 09:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.
←Rate | 01-24-2020 09:08 by MDS Comments (1)  

   messageicon Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.
←Rate | 03-11-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

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