Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together

   Me and my recliner go way back.

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.

   cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.