Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

   tonight my phone made this weird noise ive never heard before,so I googled it and apparently someone was trying to call me

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it