Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I watched the Olympics last night....I first watched competitive house remodeling, then Cooking with the nuwave oven, and finally finished the evening off with what I thought was going to be open water shark vacuuming....Olympics have sure changed...
←Rate | 08-11-2016 15:02 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
←Rate | 11-04-2016 05:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wondering why everyone says "I'm not worried about ME driving in the snow. It's all the idiots out there." At some point, someone has to be that idiot.
←Rate | 01-04-2017 18:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.
←Rate | 01-07-2017 17:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 2017 diet is going well. After 10 days of starving myself I've only gained 3 pounds...
←Rate | 01-11-2017 11:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down.
←Rate | 08-21-2010 10:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
←Rate | 03-20-2010 14:26 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Perhaps Bieber wouldn't need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons
←Rate | 11-17-2013 11:54 by cpaman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 21:47 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
←Rate | 02-17-2011 10:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
←Rate | 11-13-2012 05:07 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...
←Rate | 06-07-2010 21:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
←Rate | 10-03-2013 07:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.
←Rate | 03-17-2013 12:40 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 01:39 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon   You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
←Rate | 05-12-2010 16:52 by Mduduzi Comments (2)  

   messageicon Ladies, if you get in an argument with a guy and you have no chance of winning, start playing with your boobs. Trust me on this one.
←Rate | 07-31-2012 10:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 14:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
←Rate | 08-30-2013 23:08 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 15:40 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

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