Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 4 of 5971

   messageicon I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.
←Rate | 11-01-2019 12:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
←Rate | 11-23-2019 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data
←Rate | 01-13-2020 16:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at that age where food makes me fat.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To gain acceptance among my Hispanic friends, I say Mucho. It means a lot to them...
←Rate | 10-27-2019 18:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!
←Rate | 12-15-2018 08:46 by vaterpop Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
←Rate | 12-20-2019 11:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:48 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left