Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
←Rate | 01-21-2017 11:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!
←Rate | 07-20-2012 07:32 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.
←Rate | 02-13-2013 07:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.
←Rate | 11-20-2016 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
←Rate | 02-06-2017 07:50 by Mikey c Comments (1)  

   messageicon That moment when you accidently pour too much alcohol into your drink and you have to tough it out because Mama didn't raise a quitter....
←Rate | 10-21-2016 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sure they'll recap the first round of this season of "Riots" on your local news channel in case you missed its premier.
←Rate | 04-27-2015 22:28 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day
←Rate | 02-13-2012 19:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
←Rate | 07-03-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member
←Rate | 12-18-2016 14:55 by flipphonescott Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order but still....
←Rate | 02-14-2017 07:46 Comments (1)  

   messageicon My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice
←Rate | 10-03-2015 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........
←Rate | 07-20-2016 09:57 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.
←Rate | 01-13-2017 15:40 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?
←Rate | 01-31-2017 17:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.
←Rate | 02-07-2017 10:31 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
←Rate | 02-13-2017 06:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
←Rate | 02-15-2017 02:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon User "Anonymous" you are the most annoying person on earth. If there is anything wrong or negative to say to anything you are the man! Get a life or at least a job…
←Rate | 02-17-2017 08:47 Comments (2)  

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