Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.

   A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

   Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.

   I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together

   We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.

   I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..