Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   90’s Psychopath = 2020’s Gender fluid mainstream progressive.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?