Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.

   I'm at that age where food makes me fat.

   Car washes are just another shower to cry in.

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.