Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.
←Rate | 07-01-2022 01:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.
←Rate | 05-17-2022 06:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.
←Rate | 06-20-2022 03:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.
←Rate | 06-05-2022 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.
←Rate | 06-05-2022 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 00:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 00:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 00:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more interesting.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 20:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.
←Rate | 06-09-2022 01:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m sorry for the things my face said while you were talking.
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”
←Rate | 06-05-2022 02:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:37 Comments (0)  

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