Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.
←Rate | 05-28-2021 01:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
←Rate | 10-13-2019 17:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...
←Rate | 03-12-2020 12:24 by MrSharp Comments (0)  

   messageicon For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.
←Rate | 09-11-2021 02:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 18:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...
←Rate | 06-05-2020 08:17 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
←Rate | 07-08-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.
←Rate | 07-23-2020 20:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."
←Rate | 09-11-2021 23:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.
←Rate | 04-22-2021 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.
←Rate | 07-28-2021 02:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore.
←Rate | 05-28-2021 02:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  

   messageicon Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.
←Rate | 09-14-2021 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.
←Rate | 10-12-2020 14:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
←Rate | 04-27-2020 15:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:24 Comments (0)  

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