Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.
←Rate | 07-14-2017 07:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.
←Rate | 07-26-2017 08:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday
←Rate | 08-23-2017 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??
←Rate | 09-08-2017 11:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.
←Rate | 09-19-2017 09:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.
←Rate | 09-24-2017 22:08 by EverybodyLovesRaytard Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you.
←Rate | 09-27-2017 12:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories
←Rate | 10-12-2017 07:34 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 07:24 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon 'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be
←Rate | 07-16-2017 20:17 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:26 Comments (1)  


   messageicon . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.
←Rate | 08-25-2017 17:56 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
←Rate | 09-12-2017 09:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR
←Rate | 09-16-2017 13:06 by Hawg Comments (0)  


   messageicon My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking
←Rate | 09-16-2017 14:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."
←Rate | 09-28-2017 20:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?
←Rate | 10-12-2017 05:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
←Rate | 10-12-2017 05:54 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have to get with the times on this social media stuff. All this time I thought Instagram was a convenient way to obtain cocaine.
←Rate | 10-12-2017 06:31 by Hoover Comments (0)  



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