Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
Search Messages:
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them. 
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
My five year plan is to make it through this year.
Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was
Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?
My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!
The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.
Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.
Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door. 