Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 18:12 by Pj Comments (1)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
←Rate | 03-03-2017 07:07 by thejoke.cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
←Rate | 04-06-2017 09:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
←Rate | 03-14-2017 02:43 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
←Rate | 06-04-2017 08:33 by Sms Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.
←Rate | 07-11-2017 09:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 13:03 Comments (1)  


   messageicon North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back
←Rate | 07-30-2017 00:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
←Rate | 03-13-2017 19:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
←Rate | 03-15-2017 18:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
←Rate | 06-18-2012 22:16 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
←Rate | 04-22-2017 19:02 by snotty Comments (20)  


   messageicon I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:41 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Me and my recliner go way back.
←Rate | 05-05-2017 15:28 by Aerotim Comments (1)  


   messageicon It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.
←Rate | 05-30-2017 08:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 00:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!
←Rate | 07-31-2017 09:52 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 08:31 Comments (1)  



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