Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?

   There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

   If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.

   If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

   Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.

   When you tell a joke so funny at work that HR wants to hear it.

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.

   If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more interesting.

   When you pull up a power point presentation to show your cat how fat it is.

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   I’m sorry for the things my face said while you were talking.

   When everyone leaves the house and you’re finally alone. “Bravo six, going dark.”

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.