Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   The only thing worse than not getting a joke, is being offended by one.

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free will cost a lot more.

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...