Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

   The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week

   Place aluminum foil in a paper shredder ... BOOM TINSEL !!

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy