Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."

   Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.

   What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.

   People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”