Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 18:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  

   messageicon Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
←Rate | 07-08-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels
←Rate | 04-16-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
←Rate | 08-15-2020 11:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.
←Rate | 08-17-2020 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.
←Rate | 08-12-2020 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
←Rate | 08-11-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
←Rate | 09-08-2020 09:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
←Rate | 09-14-2020 12:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
←Rate | 07-31-2020 08:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 11:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My five year plan is to make it through this year.
←Rate | 08-06-2020 21:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?
←Rate | 04-08-2020 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!
←Rate | 06-06-2020 20:20 by Corey Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.
←Rate | 06-23-2020 13:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.
←Rate | 06-27-2020 22:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:44 Comments (0)  

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