Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can tell my girlfriend's Japanese because her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them.

   I guess Monica Lewinsky is trying to sell herself as some sort of crusader against cyber bullying. I'm glad she found a new calling, she blew her chances at a political career!

   Breaking News! You can "QUIETLY" be an Atheist and leave people who believe in something more substantial, believable, reasonable, realistic and is NOT a mere product of mental invention......Learn to stay in your lane dummies.

   I went to a Gay picnic once , the music was good , decorations were just lovely . The Beer was cold , hamburgers were just delicious but the hot dogs tasted like crap .

   William Henry Harrison had a better first 100 days than Trump, and he was dead for 69 of them.

   finally found out your password, dont bother changing it, I already did!

   Oh snap, I just dropped my cocaine in the snow. I'll never find it now.

   I taught my dog to beg today. He came back with £12.75.

   if women ruled the world there would be no wars. just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   I saw Donald Rumsfeld on CNN this morning, offering his advice on using the military in Libya. What's next? Octomom giving advice on birth control?

   True,you do sign up knowing you could die as a Seal. But,when Hillary signed up to do her job she failed and covered it up with lies

   what is usualy said to a black man in a 3 piece suit? will the defendant please rise"

   The national debt is up 40% since Inauguration Day. Unemployment is up 1.2%. We're not only still fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan; we're now engaged with Libya. Gas prices are approaching $4.00/gal, and we're halfway through the fiscal year and sti

   ....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.

   The lady seated next to me on the plane started to freak when she realised I was Pakistani, I laughed so hard my grenades nearly fell out of my pockets

   I went out to a "Soul Food" restaurant for dinner last night. My waiter was African-American and put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now..........Wait, oh sorry, that's not my waiter

   Ice Bank Mice Elf, say it out loud.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. So if you see him without an erection... make him a sandwich!

   I mustache you a question. Nevermind, I'll shave it for later

   a negative influence on you!