Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Swift Justice is just like regular Justice except it will write a song about you when you break up.

   How many times can you say "aight" before you can consider the job interview bombed.

   Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that automatically sends an email to your boss after you hit the snoze button for the third time.

   They said they manage their money well, the fact that your tax return is gone after 2 1/2 weeks determined that was a lie

   You can always tell the Irish.... You just can't tell'm much!

   My super power is being able to make a quickie quicker.

   I just yelled, "Hey, sit still! You're getting blood all over the car" if you are wondering how I earned my "#1 Dad" mug.

   I can keep a secret like nobody's business.

   My new restaurant "Eat it or go to your room", makes you feel like a kid again!

   I am 50 years old and I still have the same body I had when I was 21! the only thing wrong with it is,it could probably do with a good iron.

   Could you be more specific when you say "...or else"

   Love is a two way street, but sometimes there's a car flipped over blocking both lanes of traffic.

   Ladies, short dresses aren’t like your Facebook feed. Continuously pulling them down won’t refresh anything.

   Even if I hit the gym hard, the best I could hope for is to be 1950's Tarzan shape.

   My girlfriend is so dumb. It's just me and her alone in the living room and she turns around and says "who's farted"

   Thought someone was following me around all day but it was just the sound of my thighs rubbing together.

   I was caught by surprise at the free concert Miley Cyrus was giving in my local town center. It took me 20 minutes to realize it was just Justin Bieber in panty hose.

   I wanna be the one to make you scream, even if it is as you're running away.

   I didnt know "Degrees Retard" was a standard unit of measure.

   Did you hear that RGIII went to the Redskin coaches and asked them not to show his bad plays during the film session because he is losing his confidence.....What a little diva, maybe they should just show Subway commercials instead...