Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its a good thing its Halloween already, The skeletons in my shed are starting to stink up the neighborhood!!

   I don't like the way this guy in the mirror is looking at me.

   I'm thankful I can scroll quickly through what everyone's thankful for.

   when somebody tells you to go "f*** yourself" use reverse psychology and say "hell no...I'll do it right here thank you very much"

   something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

   Starting to think my fear of rubbing lamps is really hurting me in the genie-finding department.

   My friend Mary joined me for dinner. I had a petite filet and Mary had a little lamb!

   Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.

   The 'prevaricate' post - you are a very clever man

   The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It's dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!

   I'm pretty sure my reasoning skills are defective

   #CoinStar is guaranteed walk of shame for $10 bucks

   When I get old and my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals; stand over the caskets and whisper "you should have forwarded that e-mail to 12 friends..."

   I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.

   It's not too late... we have the rest of our lives.

   hi say 2 wanted just I that out find you when irritating very it find may you... CONFUSED?? Now read it backwards..

   Wine gets better with age? Obviously wasn't an alcoholic that figured that out.

   I think Tupac should win a Hologrammy for his Coachella performance......

   If you have a craving for Pringles & Sardines at 3am in the morning..... you just smoked some bad weed, thats all!

   Nice lips. When will you be closing them?