Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎1st half take...my grandma could've defended better than the 49ers!

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...

   Not sure if I'm craving something sweet or salty and now I know exactly how Bella felt with Edward and Jacob.

   Oscar Pistorius will plead not guilty, but I don't think he has a leg to stand on.

   I swear officer it started out as acupuncture and then just kind of transitioned into stabbing.

   Some people have relationships and some people have cats

   I simply purposed that we have Another one Bites the Dust playin as customers come in to purchase their headstones, I didn't think she would fire me and insist I seek mental help...

   Looks like I got 2 more of those pesky drones last night in the bug whacker.....

   you see, one minute is 1:59 the next is 3:00 a.m., ugh!

   WOULD you like fries with that? Would YOU like fries with that? Would you LIKE fries with that? - Most actors, preparing for work

   Friday - again, voted the favorite work day of the week for 156 years straight! You stay classy, Friday!!

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today because its making me violent.. So we laughed and laughed and than I killed him.

   I hold the NASCAR world record for the number of races never watched. Zero.

   Seriously? Really? Seriously?? Really?? Seriously??? Really??? Said annoying people everywhere now a days.

   Ladies, hide the crazy while you lure us in...JS

   Just ate the last stale peep... :P

   Having a bucket list sounds like work. No thank you.

   Its like a million Nicki Minaj snuck in at the SuperBowl show.....

   Great game Knicks...and I thought that Asians couldn't drive..

   Dear eyelashes, wishbones, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles. What happened to my wishes? Sincerely, still waiting.