Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Mother's Day & Everyday to all the Moms out there.

   I respect rattlesnakes. At least they have the decency to warn you before they murder you.

   Just cooked myself a dinner of roasted lightly charred grains with butter glaze reduction and light seasoning. (Burnt microwave popcorn)

   You're either part of the solution or part of this meeting!

   I bought a book entitled "How to Have a Good Personality." It's a gift for my ex.

   these screwdrivers taste a lot better since I ran out of OJ!

   Smart enough to know better. Stupid enough to try. Stubborn enough to make it work, no matter what.

   Next time you're depressed just imagine Kristen Stewart on a swing.

   The Democrats and Republicans are like Coke and Pepsi, each has a slightly different taste but both very bad for you. As for me, I like a lot of Jäger and a splash of Red Bull. I'm thinking Jägerbomb party. Who's in?

   Yes, Yes, YES! Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it...

   Ladies; I am the kind of guy who, when I see you out on a romantic walk with your man holding hands, I will probably hold your other hand.

   I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.

   I'm the one your mother warned you about......to never let me be the one that got away.

   The soundtrack to my life would just be the sound of a single car door shutting. Every. Single. Weekend.

   I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.

   16 and Pregnant completely wrecked the term " MILF" for us Cougars!

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: "All we did was correct his eyesight."

   i wanna see Thornton Melon do the Triple Lindy dive....Olympic awesomeness

   There's a special place in hell for autocorrect

   When taking a picture of your mirror for posting it on facebook, please try to angle your camera a little or you'll end up in the picture. I see this mistake a lot