Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you get nervous during sex, just pretend like everyone watching you is naked.

   Tomorrow is not guaranteed - and that applies to relationships too. Love for today for tomorrow you may break up.

   Most of the time the past tense of 'hate' is 'love.'

   I'm gonna go all Kazoo solo and Haiku Freestyle on the next person that says I'm not Gangsta!!!

   Middle finger up to my old life.

   if I would of known that buying a new ride-on lawn mower, my wife would mow the lawn all the time, I would of bought it 10 years ago.

   having at least one more drink then may not call it a night

   Radio One DJ Chris Moyles has announced he will perform a record-breaking 37 hour radio show. If rumours are to be believed then during his time on air he will play almost a dozen records.

   excited about Fat Tuesday! Not so excited about Headachey Wednesday though.

   I guess the phrase ''ITS MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!'' does'nt work on the I R S.

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realise that i'm good at being drunk!

   NCAA Championship: are you kidding me?. More like the best 'slapstick' comedy ever!

   A British accent can make a conversation about Justin Bieber sound like they just fixed the economy.

   After watching this horror movie, I have realised my a$$hole indeed does have a heartbeat.

   Hmmmm.. Do you ever wonder if Nicki Minaj butt dials more than most people?..

   Keep the dream alive.....Hit the snooze button 6 times

   I never said I wanted to be around for a long time. I always said I wanted to be here for a good time.

   Clingy women stop it. No man wants some chick clinging to him like a two-dollar tattoo on some biker’s ass.

   Single ◽ Taken ◽ Vodka ✔

   I found my true calling in life. Laziness.