Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.

   Most of the time my life is going great, the other times I am just sober.

   Don't look now, but your Secret Santa is watching you!

   I couldn't help but notice everything wrong with you.

   Seems like people waiting for Mayweather to lose a fight will have to wait a little bit longer, that is if they don't die of old age first.

   Bigamy: Having one wife too many

   Always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   "Tampa Bay, you're on the clock" - 2014 NFL Draft very first words.

   Money and traditional infidelity are still the top 2 reasons for divorce but Facebook can't be far behind.

   'Money can't buy you happiness' - idiots and liars

   I'm so white that before I travel anywhere I find out where all the Starbucks are located.

   I party until the parents of the kid having a birthday party realize I wasn't invited and take away my balloon and stop me from eating cake.

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   Not now, Life. I have fake people to impress on the Internet.

   I am wondering if all of the pot seized by police in other states can be sold to the stoners in Colorado and Washington?

   Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in one week.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE NOW JOHN'S GIRLFRIEND"

   my motivation is running naked with a drink around the pool ...

   Just because I'm in the friend zone doesn't mean we can't have sex... Oh, that's exactly what it means?

   I tried stuff once. It was horrible.