Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Tampa Bay, you're on the clock" - 2014 NFL Draft very first words.

   Money and traditional infidelity are still the top 2 reasons for divorce but Facebook can't be far behind.

   'Money can't buy you happiness' - idiots and liars

   I'm so white that before I travel anywhere I find out where all the Starbucks are located.

   I party until the parents of the kid having a birthday party realize I wasn't invited and take away my balloon and stop me from eating cake.

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   Not now, Life. I have fake people to impress on the Internet.

   I am wondering if all of the pot seized by police in other states can be sold to the stoners in Colorado and Washington?

   Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in one week.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE NOW JOHN'S GIRLFRIEND"

   my motivation is running naked with a drink around the pool ...

   Just because I'm in the friend zone doesn't mean we can't have sex... Oh, that's exactly what it means?

   I tried stuff once. It was horrible.

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.

   Me: Glad, I am very happy today. Life: lol!! one second :P

   'It looks like the Hunter has become the Hunted" -Things I say to strangers when they find me in their car.

   Differance between my wife and a hooker is my wife costs more and does not leave after sex.

   Resist the urge to argue with idiots.

   I was just driving behind a car covered in pro life stickers and I thought "Man, that car hates abortion". Then it dawned on me that I don't know my car's political views. What if my car is a Republican? Or a racist? Maybe I don't want to know. I like my

   Now accepting wagers as to which will be the faster and more prolific descent today: Felix Baumgartner space jump or the Buffalo Bills....