Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm giving my ex-wife roses for Valentine's day to remind her that she's still a thorn in my side

   I don't want Shia LaBeouf to stop making films because he might start working in a McDonald's near me and I don't want him touching my food.

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant. But, they don't .

   They're women, drama is not an option, it's in their DNA.

   If you talk more than you think... That's a huge problem.

   I'd like to be more than just friends... how about enemies?

   It's a beautiful day for a nice run to the liquor store.

   Did you hear about the joke that EJ Manuel told his receivers? It went over their heads.

   Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a coworker with a runny nose.

   I'm pretty sure Facebook is marriage: lots of falling in love and zero sex

   When a first date ends with an awkward hugshake, it's usually the last date too.

   You know what’s easy..? Opening another beer…

   She said: You're certainly not the man I married. He said: Yeah. He had a much younger wife.

   If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.

   Most of the time my life is going great, the other times I am just sober.

   Don't look now, but your Secret Santa is watching you!

   I couldn't help but notice everything wrong with you.

   Seems like people waiting for Mayweather to lose a fight will have to wait a little bit longer, that is if they don't die of old age first.

   Bigamy: Having one wife too many

   Always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.