Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids, stay in school so you can afford better weed.

   I just wanna have sex with someone who isn't snoring.

   My imaginary friends can beat your real friends ....

   Climate/Climax same difference, both involve changes in temperature.

   My dog ate your Elf on the Shelf.

   'Words can't even describe how much I love you' - Someone who just used words to describe how much they love you

   If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment

   I'm giving my ex-wife roses for Valentine's day to remind her that she's still a thorn in my side

   I don't want Shia LaBeouf to stop making films because he might start working in a McDonald's near me and I don't want him touching my food.

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant. But, they don't .

   They're women, drama is not an option, it's in their DNA.

   If you talk more than you think... That's a huge problem.

   I'd like to be more than just friends... how about enemies?

   It's a beautiful day for a nice run to the liquor store.

   Did you hear about the joke that EJ Manuel told his receivers? It went over their heads.

   Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a coworker with a runny nose.

   I'm pretty sure Facebook is marriage: lots of falling in love and zero sex

   When a first date ends with an awkward hugshake, it's usually the last date too.

   You know what’s easy..? Opening another beer…

   She said: You're certainly not the man I married. He said: Yeah. He had a much younger wife.