Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Running away is not exercise.

   You couldn't handle me, even if I came with instructions.

   I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.

   Women and Cats: I've never understood why women love cats. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

   Valentines Day: Condoms are also awesome picnic supplies.

   " Why are you doing this? " - I ask myself daily

   Let's just stay at this liquor store until we run out of supplies. - me during the zombie apocalypse

   Bert + Ernie = Bernie. Coincidence?!?! I think not.

   You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can always control which window you throw them out of.

   What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS? "Great job, you missed the bloody exit you f*cking disgrace."

   A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made, choose your prison mate wisely.

   Fattening Tip: You can pour melted ice cream on regular ice cream. It's like a sauce!!!

   Surprise sex is awesome to wake up to. Unless you are in prison....

   Some people think they are champagne in a tall glass, when in actual fact they're luke warm piss in a red plastic cup.

   My thoughts are with all of the crooks, fraudsters, politicians, super rich elite, celebrities and athletes during these difficult times. #PanamaLeaks

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 90 years old yesterday. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   I wonder what people who type “u” instead of “you” do with all their free time.

   I wish anger burned more calories.

   Cats are like Meow, Chicka Meow Meow......

   The American dream I’m chasing is where the entire pizza is just a spiral of stuffed crust...