Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After such a high demand for COVID-19 face masks, I have recently started making them. Does anyone know how much chloroform I need to use?

   If I see you playing drums on your steering wheel I will roll down my window, whip out my air trombone and rock with you. Rules are rules.

   sticking my head in the freezer to warm up!

   The black really brings out your eyes- Ray Rice pick up line...

   We need a national conversation on why we think we need to have all these national conversations.

   In Hell, the Devil reads you Power Point presentations word for word.

   So who's up for some Dublin penetration on this woderful St. Paddy's Day?

   Running away is not exercise.

   You couldn't handle me, even if I came with instructions.

   I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.

   Women and Cats: I've never understood why women love cats. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

   Valentines Day: Condoms are also awesome picnic supplies.

   " Why are you doing this? " - I ask myself daily

   Let's just stay at this liquor store until we run out of supplies. - me during the zombie apocalypse

   Bert + Ernie = Bernie. Coincidence?!?! I think not.

   You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can always control which window you throw them out of.

   What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS? "Great job, you missed the bloody exit you f*cking disgrace."

   A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made, choose your prison mate wisely.

   Fattening Tip: You can pour melted ice cream on regular ice cream. It's like a sauce!!!

   Surprise sex is awesome to wake up to. Unless you are in prison....