Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mr. Officer would you like Coffee & doughnuts with my license & registration sir???

   thinking they need to rename 'Dancing with the Stars' to 'Dancing with the National Enquirer.'

   Home and drunk before midnight, and not sleeping in the drunk tank with a roll of toilet paper as a pillow......woo hoo!!!

   heard that Bruce Willis is working on the next Die Hard movie. Working titles are Die Hard: The Colonoscopy or Die Hard: Medicare with a Vengeance.

   When life hands you lemons you make lemonade so find somebody with vodka and have a party!!

   wondering what if the RIP letters will be replaced to BRB?

   If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

   O dang the voices in my head are speaking Spanish again....they know I don't understand them!

   If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak

   Bull fighting in Spain has been outlawed due to protests from animal rights activist. Not to worry, the bulls will have a new career when people can once again enjoy them. The Arby's 5 for 5.95 deal.

   I think this coffee is broken.

   If people lived like there was no tomorrow. I'm sure everyone would be at church right now

   They say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who rested to death?

   doesn't think drinking will solve your problems... but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Hi google earth, please update location 4.025639 ,- 39.423074, I am in a cool yacht posing naked

   heard the bad news that dozens of NYC ambulances are out of service due to snowdrifts piled high in the streets. The good news is there are dozens of lawyers out of service now, too.

   In West Virginia, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching him because he was completely out of breath.

   your eye's sparkle like a bass boat in the sunshine.....

   I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone".