Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a dream that I killed all of the shirtless guys with their own swag...and their duckface girlfriends....I call it the YOLOcaust.

   My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   After one too many remarks about her weight, my wife went berserk. She screamed, "If you keep up with these fat jokes, you'll drive me to suicide!" "Well I'd have to, you wouldn't walk would you?" I replied.

   Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

   applied to be an exotic dancer and had to audition. They are stupid, I know for a fact, that the chicken dance is sexier naked.

   I believe on of the biggest problems in my life is that I don't listen to enough MC Hammer.

   Who Cares about the Twilight Sparkly Drama...Give me the "Underworld" Hot Vampire on Lycan Action anyday!!!

   The first person who had hiccups must have been scared $hitless

   OPThinks BP should try dumping a few million copies of "The Audacity of Hope" on top of that leak in the gulf and see if that works.

   dropped his glasses in the toilet. As a result, he now has a crappy outlook on life.

   Most Fairy Tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...” but mine starts with, "You ain't gonna believe this sh!t...”

   I wear gasoline for cologne because b*tches love money.

   I went to the blockbuster store... and saw a caveman sitting in the corner trying to make fire by rubbing two VHS tapes together.

   I never said I went to "high school",I said I went to "school high".

   Step 1: Boil noodles. Step 2: Make sauce. Step 3: Take picture of completed dish before eating and post to Facebook saying "Mmmmm SkETTi!"

   Behind every successful status update there is : Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V

   "911, what's your emergency?"... "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."... "That's really funny."... "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.