Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tyler Perry is an egomaniac. Does he really need to put his name in front all his shows?!

   I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole...

   If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if your morbidly obese.

   If you need help in a hurry at Best Buy... just begin shoving a CD in your pants.

   My girlfriend had auto correct long before iPhone.

   I have a doctor's note to excuse the rotten stench I leave in people's bathrooms.

   I had a dream that I killed all of the shirtless guys with their own swag...and their duckface girlfriends....I call it the YOLOcaust.

   My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   After one too many remarks about her weight, my wife went berserk. She screamed, "If you keep up with these fat jokes, you'll drive me to suicide!" "Well I'd have to, you wouldn't walk would you?" I replied.

   Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you

   applied to be an exotic dancer and had to audition. They are stupid, I know for a fact, that the chicken dance is sexier naked.

   I believe on of the biggest problems in my life is that I don't listen to enough MC Hammer.

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

   Who Cares about the Twilight Sparkly Drama...Give me the "Underworld" Hot Vampire on Lycan Action anyday!!!

   The first person who had hiccups must have been scared $hitless

   OPThinks BP should try dumping a few million copies of "The Audacity of Hope" on top of that leak in the gulf and see if that works.

   dropped his glasses in the toilet. As a result, he now has a crappy outlook on life.

   Most Fairy Tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...” but mine starts with, "You ain't gonna believe this sh!t...”