Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to an "incident",my Mafia family is entering into a Witness Protection program in a Farmville,a few accounts away.

   Plagiarism on FB is getting really bad...I made my status "Going to Work" and within a few minutes, over a 100 people stole it...

   found out that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission...

   If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day.

   ME: So you're a drug dealer, huh? HER: It's called a pharmacist. ME: Oh, I get it. It's like how you can't say "bong" in a head shop, right?

   has poor taste in clothing... I've seen wounds dressed better than me.

   - Almost 3 hours of football played and Rob Green is still our top scorer.

   The UN is just another organization who likes to bang their fists and holler about human rights and enjoy seeing their name in print.

   you correct my grammar, you better believe I will watch you like a hawk until I repay the favor

   Todays Experience : Apologizing to someone whether its our mistake or not is a matter of our dignity and self respect..We feel a lot better when a misunderstanding is cleared ..

   Dry Clean Only = Dirty Shirt

   Attorney Jose Baez, Got Casey off the hook!! I'm just wondering if he does divorce cases...

   Even fire will break out in a sweat in this weather and then put itself out.

   Just say yes to boobies. There's no other way to go :D

   I'll stop drinking heavily when it no longer serves a purpose (when you get attractive)...

   I'm really hoping a devilishly hansom older version of my self explodes into my room in a ball of smoke and lightning with wads of cash and a 2011-2020 sports almanac

   seeing William and Harry all decked out in their uniforms yesterday.. I kept expecting them to break into that Sondheim tune from "Into The Woods" AGONY!

   So the NSA will stop molesting me at the airport now, right?

   Its not me, its you. I just don't think it's going to work between us. You're boring, tasteless, and I can't stop cheating on you. I know you're my right choice, but we can't continue! TO: DIET FROM: ME

   rapture tip : Make sure to have marshmallows on hand. When the world explodes it's going to be one hell of a fire.