Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you correct my grammar, you better believe I will watch you like a hawk until I repay the favor

   Todays Experience : Apologizing to someone whether its our mistake or not is a matter of our dignity and self respect..We feel a lot better when a misunderstanding is cleared ..

   Dry Clean Only = Dirty Shirt

   Attorney Jose Baez, Got Casey off the hook!! I'm just wondering if he does divorce cases...

   Even fire will break out in a sweat in this weather and then put itself out.

   Just say yes to boobies. There's no other way to go :D

   I'll stop drinking heavily when it no longer serves a purpose (when you get attractive)...

   I'm really hoping a devilishly hansom older version of my self explodes into my room in a ball of smoke and lightning with wads of cash and a 2011-2020 sports almanac

   seeing William and Harry all decked out in their uniforms yesterday.. I kept expecting them to break into that Sondheim tune from "Into The Woods" AGONY!

   So the NSA will stop molesting me at the airport now, right?

   Its not me, its you. I just don't think it's going to work between us. You're boring, tasteless, and I can't stop cheating on you. I know you're my right choice, but we can't continue! TO: DIET FROM: ME

   rapture tip : Make sure to have marshmallows on hand. When the world explodes it's going to be one hell of a fire.

   I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people like me more than you.

   USA Today article: "Coffee, sex and smog can trigger a heart attack, study finds". Besides Bill Lumbergh, who is drinking coffee while having sex???

   INTERPOL has issued an arrest warrant for Muammar Gaddafi ...sounds like a job for Dog the Bounty hunter.

   after dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that's not done at this hotel....

   "Monday" like Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   A slut does anything for any man, a freak does anything for her man, and a lady does anything for one man.

   Are you really worried that much about your internet history in the afterlife? Everyone knows you masturbate to porn, don't worry. No one needs to clear it when you die.

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?