Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   Hmmmm. Egypt's people actually protested and forced their president to resign...what's everyone doing this weekend? ;)

   what do michael jackson and cavier have in common? They both come on little crackers.

   Religion- The longest game of Simon says ever.

   Biden's favorite TV show? Teletubbies. He says it reminds him of his favorite crutch on TV...Teleprompters.

   If a girl stabs you with a knife on the first date… How many days should you wait to ask her out again???

   Only in America can you prescribe drugs to a paedophile and get 4 years in jail, but Kill your own kid and get off scott free.

   "Baby, baby, baby, OHHH". Dad: Son, are you listening to Justin Bieber? Kid: No, I'm watching porn Dad: Oh, thank GOODNESS!

   This woman at Target does not seem at all appreciative that I just found a lump on her breast.

   Everyone want to be your sunshine, but not me, I want to be your Moon so I can light up your darkest moments, when your sun is not around.!!!

   I had a thought......Maybe instead of defunding Sesame Street, we should defund Pakistan. F them losers!!

   The Hardest Desicion of Our Childhood: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.

   Facebook's kinda like a prison. Sitting all alone in a room, writing on a wall, and getting poked by strangers all the time.

   Lazy Test Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.

   Race War Coming Soon to City near you.

   I don't think we should put elementary school teachers in a position where kids can say " the president calls people ugly and losers so why can't I"?

   Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

   I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, f*ckface."

   Why are the Mexicans the only people with the Cojones to name their kid's Jesus?

   Balloons are so weird... "Congratulations on having a baby, here's a plastic sack of my breath"