Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7.

   Candy corn that has the chocolate bottom is an insult to Halloween and America.

   You ever seen someone so gay that you feared for his safety!

   my mother always taught me to lick it before I stick it

   was thinking about running around outside naked, but then I drank another bottle except it was Windex, and it stopped me from streaking...

   Thought the commercial showing the president as a chicken (or was it a c@ck) was pretty funny

   I dont care what they say. I think my third nipple is very attractive.

   I'd rather see a same sex marriage than a no sex marriage.

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   Hmmmm. Egypt's people actually protested and forced their president to resign...what's everyone doing this weekend? ;)

   what do michael jackson and cavier have in common? They both come on little crackers.

   Religion- The longest game of Simon says ever.

   Biden's favorite TV show? Teletubbies. He says it reminds him of his favorite crutch on TV...Teleprompters.

   If a girl stabs you with a knife on the first date… How many days should you wait to ask her out again???

   Only in America can you prescribe drugs to a paedophile and get 4 years in jail, but Kill your own kid and get off scott free.

   "Baby, baby, baby, OHHH". Dad: Son, are you listening to Justin Bieber? Kid: No, I'm watching porn Dad: Oh, thank GOODNESS!

   This woman at Target does not seem at all appreciative that I just found a lump on her breast.

   Everyone want to be your sunshine, but not me, I want to be your Moon so I can light up your darkest moments, when your sun is not around.!!!

   I had a thought......Maybe instead of defunding Sesame Street, we should defund Pakistan. F them losers!!

   The Hardest Desicion of Our Childhood: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.