Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Romney spent $800m to not be president. I spent nothing for the same result. Who's the better business man now?

   Midgets that go missing get their faces put on the backs of condensed milk.

   LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.

   Women get really mad if you put your d*ck in their mouth when they're applying mascara.

   In a group picture, there is always the retard that does the peace sign.

   Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.

   I wish I had the confidence in real life that ugly people have on Facebook.

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

   A couple of my neighbors still occassionally say Hello to me. Apparently I'm doing something wrong

   If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.

   I learned how to kiss from watching my dog drink from the garden hose.

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat.

   Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.

   BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.

   Bruno Mars has the voice of an angel and the lyrics of a 13 year old girl.

   Ladies stop worrying about the quickest way to a mans heart and just give him a blow job already.

   I'm white, but I'm not "have babies on purpose" white.