Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Angelina Jolie has had her breasts removed, her ovaries removed, her Fallopian tubes removed....and a large Pitt.

   In this day of age of lawsuits and political correctness it is wise to add "Allegedly" at the end of any accusations you make.

   Let the arguments begin! Oh, debate? We're calling this a debate? Ok, my bad.

   I just apologized to a bug for killing it and I instantly became a Canadian citizen.

   It would be cool if Ariana Grande were really fat.

   Boss makes a dollar, while I make a dime. That's why I poop, on company time.

   "That's the spirit!" she said, picking her poltergeist out of a police lineup.

   Crap, I bought a non-shtick pan. Now it does not like my jokes.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!

   Shout out to all my friends who never post, like or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you silent friend's could do me one little favor and like just this one status so I'll know your still out there breathing and actually give a damn wha

   Did you ever noticed how much weight a chicken can gain and it never shows on their faces ?

   If a medieval musician had a bicycle, would it be called a Minstrel Cycle?

   I just burnt 550 calories without doing anything. And that's the last time I look at Facebook with pizza in the oven!

   Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.

   My Chinese neighbor man was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner last night. But someone let the "cat" out of the bag.

   Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

   As a Fat bottomed girl, I'm not sure how we're expected to make the Rockin' world go round. That sounds *way* too much like exercise to me

   Darn I just realized I missed the Grammys again which now makes like 10 years in a row.

   Will no longer appear as "Husband on Sailboat" in a Viagra commercial due to a contract dispute. I'd appreciate privacy during this time.