Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Tim Tebow plays in the MLB, I hope it's for Anaheim. So after an 0-4 day, the headline will say: "Even Jesus Can't Save The Angels."

   [medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

   Just ate a cheese stick wrapped in salami that I bought from 7-11 but I still feel like I deserve God's love.

   It's almost Labor Day, so get out there and celebrate the sacrifice of others by drunk driving a boat.

   Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.

   Ran out of mix an hour ago....drinking this rum straight out of the bottle like a BOSS!!!

   If every day is a gift, I want a refund for the crappy ones.

   Angelina Jolie has had her breasts removed, her ovaries removed, her Fallopian tubes removed....and a large Pitt.

   In this day of age of lawsuits and political correctness it is wise to add "Allegedly" at the end of any accusations you make.

   Let the arguments begin! Oh, debate? We're calling this a debate? Ok, my bad.

   I just apologized to a bug for killing it and I instantly became a Canadian citizen.

   It would be cool if Ariana Grande were really fat.

   Boss makes a dollar, while I make a dime. That's why I poop, on company time.

   "That's the spirit!" she said, picking her poltergeist out of a police lineup.

   Crap, I bought a non-shtick pan. Now it does not like my jokes.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!

   Shout out to all my friends who never post, like or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you silent friend's could do me one little favor and like just this one status so I'll know your still out there breathing and actually give a damn wha

   Did you ever noticed how much weight a chicken can gain and it never shows on their faces ?

   If a medieval musician had a bicycle, would it be called a Minstrel Cycle?

   I just burnt 550 calories without doing anything. And that's the last time I look at Facebook with pizza in the oven!