Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amish girls make the best side chicks. They will never call you.

   Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

   I’m so lucky my husband invested $100,000 in a mask company right before the pandemic. I mean it was a Halloween mask company but still…

   My phone autocorrected the word ”never” to ”beef feet.” Yes, phone, ”beef feet” is what I meant. ”Beef feet” say die.

   ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon

   Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get

   Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

   Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

   When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon.

   .... After watching the so called "Sit-In" on the House Floor at the Capitol ... I now realize why they need to have those "Warning: Do not Enter" and "Please don't throw children at the animals" ... signs at the Dangerous Animal exhibits at the zoo.

   The Law & Order dun dun is what men hear when we're asked if we remember what today is.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest

   Visit Britain because it's more fun to end your sentences with "innit?" than "y'know?"

   Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares?!?!

   Would love to know what gross pizza joint the Ninja Turtles ordered from that they never questioned delivery to a sewer.

   I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.

   If I were of Chinese descend and a multi Millionaire. I would change my name to Cha Ching. . .

   FYI ... In 08 President Obama's "Just Words" speech was slammed for using the exact phrase from Mass. Gov Deval Patrick. Vice President Biden responded to the allegations by saying "Everybody does it!"

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One you will see after a while, whereas the other, you will see them later.

   Snorted 2 lines of pre-workout powder and now my apartment is decorated for Christmas..