Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you look forward to coming home so you can have drink and NOT because of who is there... it's a big problem!

   There is no way your putting a giant pretzel inside me..

   I life without mistakes, is a life full of mistakes!

   Try to keep your mind out of the gutter. Your body, too.

   I heard Cialis has a new spokesman... Randy Johnson!

   Have time to kill but not necessarily going to kill in that time.

   Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

   I often wonder what I've done with my life. But then my clinically sane friends visit me, and I remember why I enjoy being nuts!!!

   If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you...

   "I ain't going through a scanner at the airport until I see Janet Napolitano go through one. I've got a bar bet hanging on her real gender."

   decided to try the P90X workout with a co-worker and realized just a few minutes into it that it was going to kill me, Damn I'm getting old

   Everybody hates me because I'm so universally well-liked...

   First day without any real amount of nicotine... My brain is interpreting this new development as: grumpy, antzy, sleepy, jumpy and pissy all at the same time... If I get sneezy and dopey I got all the 7 dwarfs covered!

   Ok, I have to stop yelling at this TV like the Celtic players can hear me! It's not making them play better and it is making me hoarse.

   thinks Twitter spoils us... if only we could limit people in real life to 140 characters or less.

   I used to believe people wanted to contact me but always found me unavailable. to rectify this I bought a mobile, got BBM, what'sapp, msn, yahoo... what a relief, now I know exactly how many people aren't trying to get in touch with me...

   If you say something really fast it can sound really easy or really hard.

   Dont say good morning to me plz. I prefer a Hello!! so I can think its the late day, nite or something besides morning!

   That blonde's cleavage in that engery drink commercial WORX for me.

   What is it about stupid people that makes them think they are ALWAYS right, without exception?