Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That's not a bald spot on top of my head! It's a solar panel for my love machine ;-)

   approached a woman at a bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security!".

   has the feeling I need to do the housework, gonna sit down with a coffee and wait for the feeling to pass

   A man in Atlanta is raising money for charity by not speaking for a month and only communicating on facebook. Is there anyway to get "the view" and Oprah on board for this?

   i hate when I drive behind someone at the mall and they just walk to their car sit inside put in on reverse and never pull out untill I drive off

   Time to "man up" and do my husbandly duty. Eating all of the left-overs out of the fridge. This stomach isn't going to grow itself!

   I would respond to your last question, but I am really tired of speaking stupid!

   Cupid teaches kids to shoot someone in the butt with an arrow to make them like you.

   if Tyler Perry controlled facebook, it would have more drama and more cross dressing old men with family lessons....Be glad Tyler Perry does not own Facebook.

   Anything required of me today besides laying here in bed will just have to wait till tomorrow.

   A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to catch up

   worried, my monkey has a drinking problem

   I really need a voice activated TV because the remote always disappears.

   When you look forward to coming home so you can have drink and NOT because of who is there... it's a big problem!

   There is no way your putting a giant pretzel inside me..

   I life without mistakes, is a life full of mistakes!

   "I ain't going through a scanner at the airport until I see Janet Napolitano go through one. I've got a bar bet hanging on her real gender."

   Try to keep your mind out of the gutter. Your body, too.

   I heard Cialis has a new spokesman... Randy Johnson!

   Have time to kill but not necessarily going to kill in that time.