Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That's not a bald spot on top of my head! It's a solar panel for my love machine ;-)

   approached a woman at a bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security!".

   has the feeling I need to do the housework, gonna sit down with a coffee and wait for the feeling to pass

   A man in Atlanta is raising money for charity by not speaking for a month and only communicating on facebook. Is there anyway to get "the view" and Oprah on board for this?

   i hate when I drive behind someone at the mall and they just walk to their car sit inside put in on reverse and never pull out untill I drive off

   on the air go ahead caller

   will listen, if you'll talk about me...

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

   This status update takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm. Statuses happen in real time.

   I dont get when people say "I remember my first beer".... Cause I sure as hell dont..

   What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic volcano? The volcano's still blowing ash.

   I can't see an end.I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore......................Definitely time for a new keyboard!!

   New York Times reports Neanderthals mated with humans thousands of years before "Jersey Shore."

   confused why these stars adopt kids to have other people raise them.

   put the bom in the bom sha-bom bom, but lays no claim to the ram in the ramalama ding dong.

   I'd consider being a farmer. As long as I could live on the Pepperidge Farm, and raise Milanos.

   What kind of troopers does the Empire use when it's nice out?

   down at Fraggle Rock!!

   People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.