Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you do when you have a Tiger chasing you from behind, a Bear on your right and a Cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND!!!

   70% of my FB friends think I am being disingenuous when I say I find it funny that they "like" my posts. The other 30% are Googling "disingenuous"...

   I sincerely hope you get stung by a jelly fish so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself to the authorities.

   Waiting for someone to tell you they love you is like listening for windchimes in a hurricane.

   In my next life, I pray Zinggers don't taste so good.

   We all could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

   When you want things to be done, give them to a man, but when you want things to be discussed, hand them over to a woman!

   Don't stare at me. Because then I have to stare back at you and, why make me suffer?

   if I had a dollar for everytime I wished I had a dollar....

   Remember give everything a chance.. That way later in life you can look back and say you give it a shot..

   Playing with her heart is lame. Decide what you want the girl or the game.

   In my house, relationships go sour before a gallon of milk does...

   it might just be me, but oranges from the tree at the cemetary seem a little sweeter.

   Like a good neighbor, State farm is there.. With two neeighborhood kids to shovel my driveway................ Aww man! that Sh*t don't work!

   $60 to fill my gas tank last night. It's the apocalypse!!! I'm going to Walmart, buying me a water hose and I'm going on a siphon spree.........

   If you watch Lord Of The Rings backwards it's about a little guy who finds a really cool ring in a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home.

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   Kid Rock wants to run for president. It's official. Our country is a joke.

   There are hot Shingles in your area – My Doctor

   Since the medica frowns on using the term "Chinese virus" or "Kung Flu", please use the following instead: Wuhan Weezer, Boomer Doomer, or the Holocough.