Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Today I ate a salad and got a ton of sleep. I don't think my body is used to either and may possibly be rejecting both. 
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write to myself on my wall.
predicts Harold Camping will die of old age before any rapture.
just watched a commercial asking if I suffer from schizophrenia. I think i'm okay, but will run it past the other voices...
that if you asked me, at one time I would have given you the world...Now, you ask for anything, I'll bend over and give you the f**kin moon!
10-21-11 is doomsday,Camping has spoken&we all know Camping never errs.well except for '88 being the year of the rapture,&'94 being the year of judgment & rapture, & of 5-21-11 at 6pm being a double date w/judgment&rapture.but other than that he's spot on
Weiner's wife is pregnant! Didn't know that was possible on twitter! From now on I'm wearin a condom when I tweet!
Woke up with a smile after noticing I have as many NBA rings as LeBron.
What do you do when you have a Tiger chasing you from behind, a Bear on your right and a Cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND!!!
70% of my FB friends think I am being disingenuous when I say I find it funny that they "like" my posts. The other 30% are Googling "disingenuous"...
I sincerely hope you get stung by a jelly fish so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself to the authorities.
Waiting for someone to tell you they love you is like listening for windchimes in a hurricane.
In my next life, I pray Zinggers don't taste so good.
We all could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
When you want things to be done, give them to a man, but when you want things to be discussed, hand them over to a woman!
Don't stare at me. Because then I have to stare back at you and, why make me suffer?
if I had a dollar for everytime I wished I had a dollar....
Remember give everything a chance.. That way later in life you can look back and say you give it a shot..
Playing with her heart is lame. Decide what you want the girl or the game.
In my house, relationships go sour before a gallon of milk does... 