Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided to become Transhandicap so I can park anywhere I want too.

   When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

   So ummmm I wonder if Bruce Jenner will get a discount from the Kardashian make up and hair line

   My 4 year old refers to the solar system as, "God's Balls". Google THAT science....

   "I'd hit that" ~ Old people that drive.

   This Fall...Bruce Jenner, Kim Kardashian, North Kardashian West, Khloe Kardashian & Kylie Jenner star in "The Kar-Crashians" only on E!

   Adulthood is fun because by the time you're finally old enough to go out whenever you want you're too tired to do it.

   Having your caller ID blocked is a great way to advertise your personality disorder. -Anonymous

   There are writers who always give the best relationship advice, but are still single.

   Listen buddy I don't come down to the Being A Stupid Piece Of Sh*t Factory and tell you how to do your job

   A couch potato sounds deliciouis but I'm not gettnig up to make it.

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Uummm...Gul Dukat.

   If violets were orange, poetry would be much more challenging.

   My kitchen smells like Ke$ha. (Tequila, lime and fish.)

   Shirt wet, face sweaty, heavy breathing......no, you pervs.....I just mowed the front yard.......

   We worry too much about sleeping with someone we don´t know than to actually take the time to find someone worth waking up to.

   If you don't normally send me regular texts and/or you don't respond to my regular text than DO NOT send me those idiotic Fwd texts!!

   Just so you know, if I were in shark infested water I would be ALL the way on the boat before removing my regulator and talking to the camera.

   ‎400 lbs of salt and two snow blowers for sale, thanks weathermen! Excuse me while I Go sledding through my grass.

   Just learned that Pop Tarts™ are NOT the breakfast of champions....I'm devastated!